10 things Fox TV has taught me about America
1- There is a big country above America called Canada which
is to blame for all the cold weather, snow, and power
outages in America and also harbors many immigrant
terrorists who blend in by learning to watch hockey, drink
beer, and say “it’s cold eh” all at the same time, and are
now smuggling themselves into America by hiding inside
containers of B.C Bud which has prompted the F.B.I. to
urge citizens to turn in stoners who like hockey to the
authorities or shoot them.
2- Every American Football fan was thoroughly disgusted at
star quarterpack Michael Vick when he was busted at
Miami Airport when they found a secret compartment in
his water bottle smelt of weed because in American Football
weed is a far more serious offense than steroids,
amphetamines, cocaine and illegal guns, but fortunately for
Michael the charges were later dropped or else he would
have had to go play in the Canadian Football League and
say “it’s cold eh” with Ricky Williams.
3- Below America is a country called Mexico where heaps of
Mexicans sneak across the border to steal lots of low paying
crap jobs that Americans won’t do but now George Bush
has a cunning plan to build a huge wall to keep them out
which has led to an influx of Mexicans smuggling
themselves in by hiding in bundles of Mexican Brick Weed
in the dream of getting a wall building job.
4- Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl nipple caused American TV to
adopt a seven second delay on all live TV events and now a
dog loving Senator from Texas wants to adopt the seven
second rule for the internet after his wife found twenty
seven pictures of Britney Spears’s cat on his computer.
5- Donald Trump and Rosie O’ Donnell had a huge feud going
on to increase ratings for ‘The View’ and ‘The Apprentice’
but now Donald doesn’t care for Rosie anymore as he
dumped her to show his love for bad beauty queens to
increase ratings for ‘Miss Teen USA’. ( I don’t blame him
as in my shallow books when it cums to love you just can’t
beat bad beauty queens and naughty cheerleaders )
6- Donald Trump is a very rich man but such a tightwad he
still wears a twenty year old dog hair piece rather than
buy the good stuff like Elton John, James Brown, and
Lassie.
7- Each day another politician announces they are forming
an Exploratory Committee to see if they can become
President and by the time of the election in November
2008 every politician including dark horses Sonny Bono,
Ronald Reagan, and ‘The Terminator’, will have set up
an Exploratory Committee to see how much money they
can fleece out of local suckers and tobacco companies.
8- American Football is played with the hands and takes
sixty minutes to play which consists of twenty minutes
actual playing time, two hours of commercials, and a half
time show to rival a nippleless Janet Jackson concert
and is played by very speedy three hundred pound guys
that don’t smoke weed.
9- O.J. Simpson is a former star football player and
innocent murderer who had a TV interview and
book publication cancelled by Fox after it was alleged
that someone saw him smoking weed on a Mexican golf
course.
10- Fox TV is controlled by an Aussie bloke named Rupert
Murdoch who loves war, football, and George Bush, but
strongly disapproves of Canada, Mexico, and “all those
left wing pinko commie loving pot smoking
Democrat poofter bastards”.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Donald where's your trousers
15/01/07
My dog ‘Monty’ has become addicted to staying up late and watching ‘Fox & Friends’ and now he’s barking out comedy with an American accent and turned completely crazy as this sketch proves.
‘KOMEDY SKETCH IDLE’- A VERY CHEAP ANIMATED DOG OF A COMEDY THAT IS SO CHEAP YOU HAVE TO ANIMATE IT YOURSELF IN YOUR HEAD.
CHARACTERS
JACK KING- BAD COMIC HOST WHO HAS A BIG CHEESY GRIN AND
NEVER GETS ANY LAUGHS.
CANDY COTTON- BUXOM JAZZY ORGAN PLAYING MUSIC DIRECTOR.
PIGGY MULDOON- HARD DRINKING HAM ACTING PIG JUDGE.
TUKU MORGAN- VERY CHEEKY MONKEY JUDGE.
SHREK- HIP SUNGLASSED SHEEP JUDGE.
SHOT OF CHEAP ‘KOMEDY SKETCH IDLE’ STAGE AS ‘SHREK’ HAS JUST TOLD THE FUNNIEST BLACK SHEEP JOKE EVER AND WE HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS, DOG BARKS, AND SHEEP “BAAS”, AND ‘CANDY’ PLAYS A FEW LINES OF ‘BA BA BLACK SHEEP’, ‘SHREK’ SMILES AND POINTS AT HER AS ‘JACK’ IS TRYING HARD TO COME UP WITH A GOOD LINE.
JACK
Haha Shrek ewe dag, that sheep gag was baaaaaaaaaaaad.(GRINS
TO SILENCE ) Well moving on, ( READING CARD ) our next
sketch was sent in by ‘Big Fat Greek Lesbian’ who cums all the way
from Rosieville, Florida, U.S.A. and describes herself as a sexy
funny charming hunk of burning love whose hobbies include eating,
bitching, and watching reruns of ‘The View’, while masturbating?
( LOOKS SHOCKED)
TUKU
Gee, I thought I was the only one that did that. ( GRINS AND
MONKEY LAUGHS, BIG AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG
BARKS AND SHEEP BAAS )
JACK
Haha ya I’m a bit of a TV wanker myself, but I love and cherish TV
so much I always promise her, I won’t cum,, until the ads. ( GRINS
TO SILENCE, TAPS MIC A FEW TIMES ) All right well let’s
get into the sketch so roll it.
‘CANDY’ STARTS PLAYING ‘DONALD WHERE’S YOUR TROUSERS’ AND TITLE COMES ON AND ‘CANDY’ PROVIDES MUSIC HERE AND THERE THROUGH OUT SKETCH.
DONALD WHERE’S YOUR TROUSERS
WRITTEN BY
BIG FAT GREEK LESBIAN
ROSIEVILLE
FLORIDA, U.S.A.
SHOT OF BOXING RING WITH ANNOUNCER ‘ROBERT BLAKE’ WITH A STUFFED COCKATOO CALLED ‘FRED’GLUED ONTO HIS SHOULDER.
ROBERT
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and discerning
animals, I’m Tony Baretta and this is my good friend ‘Fred’ and
welcome to ‘Fox and Friends’,‘ Celebrity Heavyweight Verbal
Sparring Championship’ of the world, ( LIGHT APPLAUSE AND
DOG BARKS ) and now introducing the contestants, in the right
corner, he’s gone from a featherweight to a heavyweight in the
space of a few short weeks, everything he says now turns to gold,
he’s every poor blind woman’s wet dream, Donaldddddd ‘The
Golden Turd’ Trumpppppppppppppppppp.
SMALL APPLAUSE AND DOG BARKS AS SHOT GOES TO CORNER WHERE ‘DONALD’ IS ON A STOOL WEARING BOXING SHORTS AND A ‘Sponsored by Casino Losers’ T SHIRT AND ‘MARTHA STEWART’ IS FIXING HIS HAIR AND SPRAYING GOLD PAINT ON.
MARTHA
Ok remember when you get in there lead with those sharp sarcastic
jabs and then when she’s stunned bring out your killer material like
we practiced, ok ? ( DONALD NODS)
ROBERT
And introducing in the left corner, a woman so sexy, funny, and
charming, she needs no introduction, she’s the queen of comic
cumbacks, Rosieeeee ‘ Funny Sex Goddess’O’ Donellllllllllllllll .
LOUD CROWD CHEERS AS SHOT GOES TO ‘ROSIE’ IN CORNER WEARING TRACK SUIT AND BEING MADE UP BY ‘MISS TEEN U.S.A’ AND ‘MISS U.S.A’ IN UNIFORM AND WE SEE ‘ROSIE’ HAS HER HANDS ON EACH’S ASS COPING A FEEL, SHE TURNS TO CAMERA AND GIVES A SLY EYEBROW DANCE.
ROBERT
And introducing the referee for today’s match, he is the most lethal
running back ever to come out of the ‘San Fransisco 49ers’
backfield and now a hugely successful actor, author, and raconteur,
he’s the ultimate fighter, O.J ‘ The Juice’ Simpsonnnnnnn.
IN RUNS ‘O.J.’ WEARING A ‘FOX’ REFEREES SHIRT AND SMALL WHITE GLOVES TO LOUD CROWD “BOO’S” AND DOG BARKS AND HE JUMPS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND TRIPS AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE TO LOUD AUDIENCE LAUGHS, HE GETS UP GIVING THE CROWD THE FINGER TO MORE “BOO’S”.
ROBERT ( DOES A BAD VENTRILUQUIST ACT )
I think Fred’s got something to say, yes Fred.
FRED
Lets’s get ready to rumbleeeeeeee.
ROBERT
Well said Fred, I couldn’t have said that better myself, thank you Fred.
FRED
You’re welcome,, killer.
ROBERT ( angry )
I told you not to call me that, you’re dead you stool cock !
‘ROBERT’ GOES TO STRANGLE ‘ FRED’ AND TWO MEN WITH WHITE COATS AND LONG NEEDLES QUICKLY ENTER RING AND SHOT GOES TO ‘O.J.’ MOTIONING ‘DONALD’ AND ‘ROSIE’ TO THE CENTRE OF RING.
O.J.
All right ‘Fox’ wants a dirty fight here, nothings sacred, low blows,
biting sarcasm, vicious puns, stabbing irony, it’s all good, so when
the bell rings I want you to come out to kill and may the best man win.
‘BRITNEY SPEARS’ COMES IN WITH A ‘ROUND 1’ CARD AND WE SEE FROM BEHIND WHEN SHE LIFTS THE SIGN HER SHORT DRESS GOES UP REVEALING SHE HAS NO PANTIES, HEAR AUDIENCE CAT ‘MEOWS’ AND DOG BARKS AND HEAPS OF CAMERA FLASHES GO OFF FOLLOWED BY LOUD CAMERAMEN CHEERS. BELL RINGS AND ‘ROSIE’ AND ‘DONALD’ CIRCLE EACH OTHER MENACILY AND ‘DONALD’ LEADS WITH SOME STINGING JABS BUT THEN FORGETS HIS KILLER MATERIAL.
DONALD
Rosie, you are fat, you are ugly, you are unfunny, you are a loser,
you are a lesbian, you are a big fat ugly unfunny loser lesbian,, I
hate you,, you,, you, you you bad bad man you.
‘MARTHA’ SLAPS HER HEAD IN DISBELIEVE AS ‘DONALD’ FORGETS THE KILLER MATERIAL,’ ROSIE’ SMIRKS AND LOOKS ABOVE ‘DONALD’ AND POINTS LIKE SOMETHING IS FALLING.
ROSIE
Donald Duck! your stocks are falling.
‘DONALD’ LOOKS UP AND ‘ROSIE’ PULLS HIS SHORTS DOWN AND A BIG SOCK FALLS OUT REVEALING HE IS WEARING A ‘TINY TINY’ JOCKSTRAP. ‘DONALD’ SCREAMS AND QUICKLY COVERS UP WITH BOTH HANDS, ‘ROSIE’ RIPS HIS HAIR OFF AND TOSSES IT HIGH , ‘DONALD’ SCREAMS AND COVERS HEAD UP WITH ONE HAND AND GOES TO ESCAPE TO CORNER BUT TRIPS OVER HIS SHORTS SO CRAWLS AND TAGS ‘ MARTHA’ WHO CLIMBS IN RING AND KICKS HIM AS HE CURLS UP IN FETAL POSITION IN THE CORNER AND ‘BARBARA WALTERS’ ENTERS RING.
MARTHA
Get out of here you verbal pussy, this is a man’s job, I’ll show that
bitch of a dyke who has the funny balls around here.
BARBARA ( weakly putting the boot in )
Donald, you’re a poor pathetic loser and a fink, I despise you.
‘MARTHA’ ENTERS CENTRE RING AND WE HEAR AUDIENCE CAT “SCREACHES” AND SEE ‘ROSIE’ IS JUGGLING MINATURE RUGBY BALLS AND THEN DROPS THEM AND FAKES LOOKING SCARED.
ROSIE
Oh no it’s the cumslut bitch whore from cell block 69, I’m sooooo
scared my panties are a shakin. ( WIGGLES HIP ONCE AND SEE
SHE HAS SHAKING PANTIES AND SHE SMILES AND
SHUDDERS ) mmmmmmmmmmmmmm .
MARTHA
Hey don’t bring up jail that’s not fair, you know I was innocent, I was
framed I tell you, framed !
ROSIE
Oh ya right, you, O.J., and Baretta, the three innocent stooges,
awww the injustice, my heart bleeds for you, Larry. ( CLUTCHES
HEART )
‘MARTHA’ STARTS CRYING AND ‘DONALD’S’ HAIR SUDDENLY FALLS DOWN LANDING ON ‘O.J.’S’ HEAD GETTING BIG AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND THE SHOT QUICKLY GOES TO THE ‘ELLEN’ SHOW WITH ‘ELLEN’ WITH A REMOTE.
ELLEN
All right that’s enough of fat lesbian comedy which I must say is a
bit to heavy for my taste, I much prefer something lighter and
fluffier, like thin lesbian comedy, which, reminds me of this very
funny joke, hahaha, Anne Heche, a sexy thin blonde lesbian, and a
donkey called ‘Donald’, walk into a bar and the bartender says to
Donald, haha,
HEAR BIG STUDIO APPLAUSE AS INTO THE SCENE WALKS ‘DONALD TRUMP’ AND ‘ELLEN’ JUMPS OFF THE COUCH ALL EXCITED TO SEE HIM.
ELLEN
OH WOW Donald Trump I’m so excited I’m such a big fan of yours,
I love your show, I love your hair, l love money, I love you, in fact if
I wasn’t a sexy thin lesbian I would be all over you like ugly on a
donkey if you know what I mean, hee haw hee haw. ( SMILES )
DONALD
Ellen, I find thin lesbian comedy almost as unfunny as fat lesbian
comedy, you make me sick you degenerass, I hate you !
‘DONALD’ PUNCHES ‘ELLEN’ IN THE FACE TO AUDIENCE ‘GASPS’ WHICH QUICKLY TURN TO APPLAUSE AND CHEERS AS IN WALKS ‘MARTHA STEWART’ STANDING BEHIND ‘DONALD’ AND ‘ELLEN’ IS EXCITED TO SEE HER .
ELLEN
Oh wow it’s Martha Stewart, oh man I’m such a huge fan of yours, I
just love your show, in fact I love you, as I must admit, haha, when
you got chucked in the slammer I was kind of jealous of the other
inmates if you know what I mean, wink wink. ( SMILES AND
WINKS WITH A BLACK EYE NOW)
MARTHA
Ellen, I had enough of bad lesbian comedy in jail, I agree with Donald,
I hate you !
‘MARTHA’ PUNCHES ‘ELLEN’ IN FACE TO AUDIENCE “GASPS” WHICH QUICKLY TURN TO “BOOS” AS UP WALKS ‘O.J.’ WITH ‘FOX’ REFEREES SHIRT AND SMALL GLOVES AND STANDS BEHIND ‘MARTHA’ AND GIVES AUDIENCE THE FINGER AS ‘ELLEN’ IS VERY SURPRISED TO SEE HIM.
ELLEN
Oh my god O.J.,, don’t tell me you hate sexy thin lesbians too. (SHE
HAS TWO BLACK EYES NOW )
O.J.
Hell NO! I love lesbians, I’m here cause Fox paid me big time to
end their silliest punch line ever.
‘O. J.’ PUNCHES HER SO HARD SHE FLIES OUT OF THE SCENE TO AUDIENCE “GASPS”, ‘O.J.’ GRINS AND IN RUNS A LINE OF ‘MISS TEEN USA’, MISS USA, AND MISS NEVADA’ ALL WEARING GOLD BOXING GLOVES UP TO ‘DONALD’ WHO OPENS HIS ARMS TO GREET THEM. .
DONALD
Ahhhhh my girls, cum to daddy.
MISS TEEN USA
You’re a pervert, Daddy !!!
‘MISS TEEN USA’ PUNCHES ‘DONALD’ HARD IN THE STOMACH AND PULLS DOWN HIS TROUSERS REVEALING HE IS WEARING PANTIES, SUSPENDERS AND BLACK FISH NETS, SHE MOVES AWAY AND UP STEPS ‘ MISS U.S.A.’ WHO GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES AND THEN STARTS PUNCHING ‘DONALD’S’ BALLS LIKE SHE WAS FAST SPARRING A PUNCHING BAG.
MISS U.S.A. ( YELLING )
I ,, HATE,, RE,, HAB !!!!
SHE GETS UP AND MOVES AWAY AND A SOCK FALLS OUT OF ‘DONALD’S’ PANTIES AND UP STEPS ‘MISS NEVADA’.
MISS NEVADA
Where’s my second chance Turd Head !!
SHE HITS ‘DONALD’ WITH A HUGE UPERCUT THAT SENDS HIM FLYING UP AND OUT OF THE SCENE .
O.J.
OK I stand corrected, I ended the SECOND silliest Fox punch line
ever . ( GRINS )
SUDDENLY ‘DONALD’S’ HAIR FALLS DOWN ON ‘OJ’S’ HEAD TO AUDIENCE LAUGHS, HE LOOKS WORRIED, AND THEN A BALD PANTLESS ‘DONALD TRUMP’ FALLS DOWN SQUISHING HIM AND ENDING UP IN A COMPROMISING POSITION TO AUDIENCE “GASPS” AND THEN ‘DONALD’S’ TROUSERS FALL DOWN TO BIG LAUGHS AND THEN APPLAUSE AS ON WALKS ‘ROSIE O’ DONELL’ AND PICKS UP PANTS AND LOOKS AT SIZE.
ROSIE
Oh great just my size, thanks turd for brains.
‘ROSIE’ WALKS OFF WITH THE THREE BEAUTY QUEENS QUICKLY RUNNING UP TO HER TO ADMIRE HER NEW PANTS TO APPLAUSE AS ‘ROSIE’ COPS SOME MORE ASS FEELS AND AS THEY DISSAPEAR IN RUNS ‘DONALD’S’ LATEST BIMBO WIFE UP TO HIM LOOKING CONCERNED.
WIFE
Donald, Donald are you ok darling,, DONALD!! WHERE’S YOUR
TROUSERS!! ,, You’re disgusting, I’ll see you in divorce court,
PERVERT !! ( WALKS AWAY IN A HUFF )
‘MARTHA’ RUNS AFTER HER TO OFFER COMFORT BY PUTTING ARM AROUND HER AND SEE JUST BEFORE THEY DISSAPEAR ‘MARTHA’S’ HAND GOES DOWN AND COPS AN ASS FEEL.
DONALD ( weakly )
Wait Ivana, I can explain, I can explain.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND THEN THROUGH THE SCENE RUN A LINE OF THREE FOX WITH BOXING GLOVES ON AND THE THIRD FOX TURNS TO ‘O.J.’
THIRD FOX
Hey O.J., you’ve just dropped to third na na na na.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND AS FOX DISSAPEAR, ‘O.J.’ VERY WEAKLY GIVES HIM THE FINGER AND ON RUNS ‘ ROBERT BLAKE’ WITH A SHOTGUN.
ROBERT
Hey come back my fox friends, I won’t hurt you, I promise.
‘ROBERT’ STOPS AND TAKES AIM AND BEHIND HIM RUN IN THE TWO WHITE MEN WITH COATS AND NEEDLES AND ARE JUST ABOUT TO STAB HIM IN THE BACK WHEN THE SHOT QUICKY GOES TO A SILENT ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW’ SET WITH ‘DAVE’ LOOKING VERY STUNED AND UNAMUSED AND ON THE COUCH ARE ‘PIGGY’ WHO IS DRINKING AND “BURPING”, ‘TUKU’ WHO HAS HIS HANDS PLAYING IN HIS ‘CHEEKY MONKEY’ BOXERS, AND ‘SHREK’ WHO IS SLEEPING.
DAVE
All right, well, that’s a clip from ‘Fox’s’ new, “comedy”, ‘Komedy
Scetch Idle’ which premiers this Sunday morning at seven on all,
”good ”, Fox stations, and now let’s meet the writer creator of the
show who cums all the way from Stewart Island, New Zealand,
please give a warm hand for ‘Lord Monty’.
DAVE GOES UP FRONT TO GREET HIM WITH A COUPLE OF WEAK HANDCLAPS FROM AUDIENCE AND THE BAND STARTS PLAYING A JAZZY ‘ MONTY PYTHON’ THEME AND OUT TROTS ‘MONTY’ TO AUDIENCE LAUGHS AS HE WAVES A PAW AT THE BAND AND ‘DAVE’ LOOKS UNBELIEVING.
DAVE
Oh ya sure, a dog who writes comedy, oh come on, I mean people,,
do I look THAT stupid ?
‘DAVE’ GIVES A GOOFY GRIN TO THE AUDIENCE AND GETS GOOD LAUGHS AS WHAT HE DOESN’T SEE IS ‘MONTY’ HAS SNIFFED HIS SHOE AND IS NOW LAYING A LONG GOLDEN TURD ON IT, ‘DAVE’ NOTICES AND LOOKS PISSED OFF.
DAVE
OH YUCK, that’s not funny you stupid ( bleep ) dog !
‘DAVE’ KICKS LEG SENDING THE TURD FLYING HIGH AND IT LANDS ON ‘PAUL’S’ HEAD TO HUGE LAUGHS.
PAUL
Hey Dave, does this crap hairpiece make me look like Donald Trump?
( GRINS )
BIG AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND WE SEE ‘TUKO’ HAS REACHED INTO HIS BOXERS AND PULLED OUT A GOLDEN TURD WHICH HE IS AIMING AT ‘DAVE’
TUKU
Hey Dave !
‘TUKU’ WAITS UNTIL ‘DAVE’ JUST STARTS TO TURN HEAD AND CHUCKS IT AT HIM AND AT THE SAME TIME ‘ MONTY’ HAS SNIFFED ‘DAVE’S’ LEG AND HAS RAISED HIS LEG AND JUST BEFORE THE TURD AND PISS HIT ‘DAVE’ CUT TO A SHOT OF A LARGE GREEN FIELD WITH ‘ MONTY’ AND ‘THREE BLACK SHEEP’ AND WE CAN SEE THE TOP OF ‘WILLY’S’ WRITING PAD.
MONTY
Hey you don’t think that last gag was a bit gross do you?
WILLY ( VOICE ONLY )
No way Monty, that was gold, pure comic gold.
MONTY
Good I’m hungry, let’s do lunch and watch ‘Fox & Friends’. ( RUNS
AWAY FAST)
WILLY ( V.O. )
Ya ok, Hey Monty, WAIT FOR ME !
PAD AND PEN ARE CHUCKED ON THE GROUND AND WE HEAR ‘WILLY’ RUN OFF AS SHEEP LOOK AT THE PAD.
MIDDLE SHEEP
Dave’s right, dogs can’t write comedy, that sketch is crap, let’s
rewrite it.
‘SHEEP’ START ‘BAAING’ AND SLOWLY MOVE TOWARDS THE PAD AND WE HEAR ‘CANDY’ REPRISE HER ‘BA BA BLACK SHEEP’ MUSIC AND CUT JUST AS THE MIDDLE SHEEP REACHES FOR THE PEN.
POST SCRIPT- With forged emails of recommendation from Ken Levine
( kenlevine.blogspot.com ) the‘Middle’ sheep is now the head sketch writer for ‘Studio 60’, the‘Right’ one is ‘Donald Trump’s’ new letter writer and “personal assistant”( wink wink ), and the ‘Left’ one is ‘Senator John Kerry’s’ new speech writer and now all of them are refusing to answer or return ‘Monty’s’ calls so thanks a lot Ken ! (bastard )
NEWSFLASH
If there are any ‘Hollywood’ agents or honest shysters out there ‘Monty’ has just confessed to be the real father of ‘Anna Nicole’s’ baby and is now after representation and a free lunch or both and can be contacted at-
Monty ( the bad dog )
Stewart Island
New Zealand
My dog ‘Monty’ has become addicted to staying up late and watching ‘Fox & Friends’ and now he’s barking out comedy with an American accent and turned completely crazy as this sketch proves.
‘KOMEDY SKETCH IDLE’- A VERY CHEAP ANIMATED DOG OF A COMEDY THAT IS SO CHEAP YOU HAVE TO ANIMATE IT YOURSELF IN YOUR HEAD.
CHARACTERS
JACK KING- BAD COMIC HOST WHO HAS A BIG CHEESY GRIN AND
NEVER GETS ANY LAUGHS.
CANDY COTTON- BUXOM JAZZY ORGAN PLAYING MUSIC DIRECTOR.
PIGGY MULDOON- HARD DRINKING HAM ACTING PIG JUDGE.
TUKU MORGAN- VERY CHEEKY MONKEY JUDGE.
SHREK- HIP SUNGLASSED SHEEP JUDGE.
SHOT OF CHEAP ‘KOMEDY SKETCH IDLE’ STAGE AS ‘SHREK’ HAS JUST TOLD THE FUNNIEST BLACK SHEEP JOKE EVER AND WE HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS, DOG BARKS, AND SHEEP “BAAS”, AND ‘CANDY’ PLAYS A FEW LINES OF ‘BA BA BLACK SHEEP’, ‘SHREK’ SMILES AND POINTS AT HER AS ‘JACK’ IS TRYING HARD TO COME UP WITH A GOOD LINE.
JACK
Haha Shrek ewe dag, that sheep gag was baaaaaaaaaaaad.(GRINS
TO SILENCE ) Well moving on, ( READING CARD ) our next
sketch was sent in by ‘Big Fat Greek Lesbian’ who cums all the way
from Rosieville, Florida, U.S.A. and describes herself as a sexy
funny charming hunk of burning love whose hobbies include eating,
bitching, and watching reruns of ‘The View’, while masturbating?
( LOOKS SHOCKED)
TUKU
Gee, I thought I was the only one that did that. ( GRINS AND
MONKEY LAUGHS, BIG AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG
BARKS AND SHEEP BAAS )
JACK
Haha ya I’m a bit of a TV wanker myself, but I love and cherish TV
so much I always promise her, I won’t cum,, until the ads. ( GRINS
TO SILENCE, TAPS MIC A FEW TIMES ) All right well let’s
get into the sketch so roll it.
‘CANDY’ STARTS PLAYING ‘DONALD WHERE’S YOUR TROUSERS’ AND TITLE COMES ON AND ‘CANDY’ PROVIDES MUSIC HERE AND THERE THROUGH OUT SKETCH.
DONALD WHERE’S YOUR TROUSERS
WRITTEN BY
BIG FAT GREEK LESBIAN
ROSIEVILLE
FLORIDA, U.S.A.
SHOT OF BOXING RING WITH ANNOUNCER ‘ROBERT BLAKE’ WITH A STUFFED COCKATOO CALLED ‘FRED’GLUED ONTO HIS SHOULDER.
ROBERT
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and discerning
animals, I’m Tony Baretta and this is my good friend ‘Fred’ and
welcome to ‘Fox and Friends’,‘ Celebrity Heavyweight Verbal
Sparring Championship’ of the world, ( LIGHT APPLAUSE AND
DOG BARKS ) and now introducing the contestants, in the right
corner, he’s gone from a featherweight to a heavyweight in the
space of a few short weeks, everything he says now turns to gold,
he’s every poor blind woman’s wet dream, Donaldddddd ‘The
Golden Turd’ Trumpppppppppppppppppp.
SMALL APPLAUSE AND DOG BARKS AS SHOT GOES TO CORNER WHERE ‘DONALD’ IS ON A STOOL WEARING BOXING SHORTS AND A ‘Sponsored by Casino Losers’ T SHIRT AND ‘MARTHA STEWART’ IS FIXING HIS HAIR AND SPRAYING GOLD PAINT ON.
MARTHA
Ok remember when you get in there lead with those sharp sarcastic
jabs and then when she’s stunned bring out your killer material like
we practiced, ok ? ( DONALD NODS)
ROBERT
And introducing in the left corner, a woman so sexy, funny, and
charming, she needs no introduction, she’s the queen of comic
cumbacks, Rosieeeee ‘ Funny Sex Goddess’O’ Donellllllllllllllll .
LOUD CROWD CHEERS AS SHOT GOES TO ‘ROSIE’ IN CORNER WEARING TRACK SUIT AND BEING MADE UP BY ‘MISS TEEN U.S.A’ AND ‘MISS U.S.A’ IN UNIFORM AND WE SEE ‘ROSIE’ HAS HER HANDS ON EACH’S ASS COPING A FEEL, SHE TURNS TO CAMERA AND GIVES A SLY EYEBROW DANCE.
ROBERT
And introducing the referee for today’s match, he is the most lethal
running back ever to come out of the ‘San Fransisco 49ers’
backfield and now a hugely successful actor, author, and raconteur,
he’s the ultimate fighter, O.J ‘ The Juice’ Simpsonnnnnnn.
IN RUNS ‘O.J.’ WEARING A ‘FOX’ REFEREES SHIRT AND SMALL WHITE GLOVES TO LOUD CROWD “BOO’S” AND DOG BARKS AND HE JUMPS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND TRIPS AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE TO LOUD AUDIENCE LAUGHS, HE GETS UP GIVING THE CROWD THE FINGER TO MORE “BOO’S”.
ROBERT ( DOES A BAD VENTRILUQUIST ACT )
I think Fred’s got something to say, yes Fred.
FRED
Lets’s get ready to rumbleeeeeeee.
ROBERT
Well said Fred, I couldn’t have said that better myself, thank you Fred.
FRED
You’re welcome,, killer.
ROBERT ( angry )
I told you not to call me that, you’re dead you stool cock !
‘ROBERT’ GOES TO STRANGLE ‘ FRED’ AND TWO MEN WITH WHITE COATS AND LONG NEEDLES QUICKLY ENTER RING AND SHOT GOES TO ‘O.J.’ MOTIONING ‘DONALD’ AND ‘ROSIE’ TO THE CENTRE OF RING.
O.J.
All right ‘Fox’ wants a dirty fight here, nothings sacred, low blows,
biting sarcasm, vicious puns, stabbing irony, it’s all good, so when
the bell rings I want you to come out to kill and may the best man win.
‘BRITNEY SPEARS’ COMES IN WITH A ‘ROUND 1’ CARD AND WE SEE FROM BEHIND WHEN SHE LIFTS THE SIGN HER SHORT DRESS GOES UP REVEALING SHE HAS NO PANTIES, HEAR AUDIENCE CAT ‘MEOWS’ AND DOG BARKS AND HEAPS OF CAMERA FLASHES GO OFF FOLLOWED BY LOUD CAMERAMEN CHEERS. BELL RINGS AND ‘ROSIE’ AND ‘DONALD’ CIRCLE EACH OTHER MENACILY AND ‘DONALD’ LEADS WITH SOME STINGING JABS BUT THEN FORGETS HIS KILLER MATERIAL.
DONALD
Rosie, you are fat, you are ugly, you are unfunny, you are a loser,
you are a lesbian, you are a big fat ugly unfunny loser lesbian,, I
hate you,, you,, you, you you bad bad man you.
‘MARTHA’ SLAPS HER HEAD IN DISBELIEVE AS ‘DONALD’ FORGETS THE KILLER MATERIAL,’ ROSIE’ SMIRKS AND LOOKS ABOVE ‘DONALD’ AND POINTS LIKE SOMETHING IS FALLING.
ROSIE
Donald Duck! your stocks are falling.
‘DONALD’ LOOKS UP AND ‘ROSIE’ PULLS HIS SHORTS DOWN AND A BIG SOCK FALLS OUT REVEALING HE IS WEARING A ‘TINY TINY’ JOCKSTRAP. ‘DONALD’ SCREAMS AND QUICKLY COVERS UP WITH BOTH HANDS, ‘ROSIE’ RIPS HIS HAIR OFF AND TOSSES IT HIGH , ‘DONALD’ SCREAMS AND COVERS HEAD UP WITH ONE HAND AND GOES TO ESCAPE TO CORNER BUT TRIPS OVER HIS SHORTS SO CRAWLS AND TAGS ‘ MARTHA’ WHO CLIMBS IN RING AND KICKS HIM AS HE CURLS UP IN FETAL POSITION IN THE CORNER AND ‘BARBARA WALTERS’ ENTERS RING.
MARTHA
Get out of here you verbal pussy, this is a man’s job, I’ll show that
bitch of a dyke who has the funny balls around here.
BARBARA ( weakly putting the boot in )
Donald, you’re a poor pathetic loser and a fink, I despise you.
‘MARTHA’ ENTERS CENTRE RING AND WE HEAR AUDIENCE CAT “SCREACHES” AND SEE ‘ROSIE’ IS JUGGLING MINATURE RUGBY BALLS AND THEN DROPS THEM AND FAKES LOOKING SCARED.
ROSIE
Oh no it’s the cumslut bitch whore from cell block 69, I’m sooooo
scared my panties are a shakin. ( WIGGLES HIP ONCE AND SEE
SHE HAS SHAKING PANTIES AND SHE SMILES AND
SHUDDERS ) mmmmmmmmmmmmmm .
MARTHA
Hey don’t bring up jail that’s not fair, you know I was innocent, I was
framed I tell you, framed !
ROSIE
Oh ya right, you, O.J., and Baretta, the three innocent stooges,
awww the injustice, my heart bleeds for you, Larry. ( CLUTCHES
HEART )
‘MARTHA’ STARTS CRYING AND ‘DONALD’S’ HAIR SUDDENLY FALLS DOWN LANDING ON ‘O.J.’S’ HEAD GETTING BIG AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND THE SHOT QUICKLY GOES TO THE ‘ELLEN’ SHOW WITH ‘ELLEN’ WITH A REMOTE.
ELLEN
All right that’s enough of fat lesbian comedy which I must say is a
bit to heavy for my taste, I much prefer something lighter and
fluffier, like thin lesbian comedy, which, reminds me of this very
funny joke, hahaha, Anne Heche, a sexy thin blonde lesbian, and a
donkey called ‘Donald’, walk into a bar and the bartender says to
Donald, haha,
HEAR BIG STUDIO APPLAUSE AS INTO THE SCENE WALKS ‘DONALD TRUMP’ AND ‘ELLEN’ JUMPS OFF THE COUCH ALL EXCITED TO SEE HIM.
ELLEN
OH WOW Donald Trump I’m so excited I’m such a big fan of yours,
I love your show, I love your hair, l love money, I love you, in fact if
I wasn’t a sexy thin lesbian I would be all over you like ugly on a
donkey if you know what I mean, hee haw hee haw. ( SMILES )
DONALD
Ellen, I find thin lesbian comedy almost as unfunny as fat lesbian
comedy, you make me sick you degenerass, I hate you !
‘DONALD’ PUNCHES ‘ELLEN’ IN THE FACE TO AUDIENCE ‘GASPS’ WHICH QUICKLY TURN TO APPLAUSE AND CHEERS AS IN WALKS ‘MARTHA STEWART’ STANDING BEHIND ‘DONALD’ AND ‘ELLEN’ IS EXCITED TO SEE HER .
ELLEN
Oh wow it’s Martha Stewart, oh man I’m such a huge fan of yours, I
just love your show, in fact I love you, as I must admit, haha, when
you got chucked in the slammer I was kind of jealous of the other
inmates if you know what I mean, wink wink. ( SMILES AND
WINKS WITH A BLACK EYE NOW)
MARTHA
Ellen, I had enough of bad lesbian comedy in jail, I agree with Donald,
I hate you !
‘MARTHA’ PUNCHES ‘ELLEN’ IN FACE TO AUDIENCE “GASPS” WHICH QUICKLY TURN TO “BOOS” AS UP WALKS ‘O.J.’ WITH ‘FOX’ REFEREES SHIRT AND SMALL GLOVES AND STANDS BEHIND ‘MARTHA’ AND GIVES AUDIENCE THE FINGER AS ‘ELLEN’ IS VERY SURPRISED TO SEE HIM.
ELLEN
Oh my god O.J.,, don’t tell me you hate sexy thin lesbians too. (SHE
HAS TWO BLACK EYES NOW )
O.J.
Hell NO! I love lesbians, I’m here cause Fox paid me big time to
end their silliest punch line ever.
‘O. J.’ PUNCHES HER SO HARD SHE FLIES OUT OF THE SCENE TO AUDIENCE “GASPS”, ‘O.J.’ GRINS AND IN RUNS A LINE OF ‘MISS TEEN USA’, MISS USA, AND MISS NEVADA’ ALL WEARING GOLD BOXING GLOVES UP TO ‘DONALD’ WHO OPENS HIS ARMS TO GREET THEM. .
DONALD
Ahhhhh my girls, cum to daddy.
MISS TEEN USA
You’re a pervert, Daddy !!!
‘MISS TEEN USA’ PUNCHES ‘DONALD’ HARD IN THE STOMACH AND PULLS DOWN HIS TROUSERS REVEALING HE IS WEARING PANTIES, SUSPENDERS AND BLACK FISH NETS, SHE MOVES AWAY AND UP STEPS ‘ MISS U.S.A.’ WHO GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES AND THEN STARTS PUNCHING ‘DONALD’S’ BALLS LIKE SHE WAS FAST SPARRING A PUNCHING BAG.
MISS U.S.A. ( YELLING )
I ,, HATE,, RE,, HAB !!!!
SHE GETS UP AND MOVES AWAY AND A SOCK FALLS OUT OF ‘DONALD’S’ PANTIES AND UP STEPS ‘MISS NEVADA’.
MISS NEVADA
Where’s my second chance Turd Head !!
SHE HITS ‘DONALD’ WITH A HUGE UPERCUT THAT SENDS HIM FLYING UP AND OUT OF THE SCENE .
O.J.
OK I stand corrected, I ended the SECOND silliest Fox punch line
ever . ( GRINS )
SUDDENLY ‘DONALD’S’ HAIR FALLS DOWN ON ‘OJ’S’ HEAD TO AUDIENCE LAUGHS, HE LOOKS WORRIED, AND THEN A BALD PANTLESS ‘DONALD TRUMP’ FALLS DOWN SQUISHING HIM AND ENDING UP IN A COMPROMISING POSITION TO AUDIENCE “GASPS” AND THEN ‘DONALD’S’ TROUSERS FALL DOWN TO BIG LAUGHS AND THEN APPLAUSE AS ON WALKS ‘ROSIE O’ DONELL’ AND PICKS UP PANTS AND LOOKS AT SIZE.
ROSIE
Oh great just my size, thanks turd for brains.
‘ROSIE’ WALKS OFF WITH THE THREE BEAUTY QUEENS QUICKLY RUNNING UP TO HER TO ADMIRE HER NEW PANTS TO APPLAUSE AS ‘ROSIE’ COPS SOME MORE ASS FEELS AND AS THEY DISSAPEAR IN RUNS ‘DONALD’S’ LATEST BIMBO WIFE UP TO HIM LOOKING CONCERNED.
WIFE
Donald, Donald are you ok darling,, DONALD!! WHERE’S YOUR
TROUSERS!! ,, You’re disgusting, I’ll see you in divorce court,
PERVERT !! ( WALKS AWAY IN A HUFF )
‘MARTHA’ RUNS AFTER HER TO OFFER COMFORT BY PUTTING ARM AROUND HER AND SEE JUST BEFORE THEY DISSAPEAR ‘MARTHA’S’ HAND GOES DOWN AND COPS AN ASS FEEL.
DONALD ( weakly )
Wait Ivana, I can explain, I can explain.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND THEN THROUGH THE SCENE RUN A LINE OF THREE FOX WITH BOXING GLOVES ON AND THE THIRD FOX TURNS TO ‘O.J.’
THIRD FOX
Hey O.J., you’ve just dropped to third na na na na.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND AS FOX DISSAPEAR, ‘O.J.’ VERY WEAKLY GIVES HIM THE FINGER AND ON RUNS ‘ ROBERT BLAKE’ WITH A SHOTGUN.
ROBERT
Hey come back my fox friends, I won’t hurt you, I promise.
‘ROBERT’ STOPS AND TAKES AIM AND BEHIND HIM RUN IN THE TWO WHITE MEN WITH COATS AND NEEDLES AND ARE JUST ABOUT TO STAB HIM IN THE BACK WHEN THE SHOT QUICKY GOES TO A SILENT ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW’ SET WITH ‘DAVE’ LOOKING VERY STUNED AND UNAMUSED AND ON THE COUCH ARE ‘PIGGY’ WHO IS DRINKING AND “BURPING”, ‘TUKU’ WHO HAS HIS HANDS PLAYING IN HIS ‘CHEEKY MONKEY’ BOXERS, AND ‘SHREK’ WHO IS SLEEPING.
DAVE
All right, well, that’s a clip from ‘Fox’s’ new, “comedy”, ‘Komedy
Scetch Idle’ which premiers this Sunday morning at seven on all,
”good ”, Fox stations, and now let’s meet the writer creator of the
show who cums all the way from Stewart Island, New Zealand,
please give a warm hand for ‘Lord Monty’.
DAVE GOES UP FRONT TO GREET HIM WITH A COUPLE OF WEAK HANDCLAPS FROM AUDIENCE AND THE BAND STARTS PLAYING A JAZZY ‘ MONTY PYTHON’ THEME AND OUT TROTS ‘MONTY’ TO AUDIENCE LAUGHS AS HE WAVES A PAW AT THE BAND AND ‘DAVE’ LOOKS UNBELIEVING.
DAVE
Oh ya sure, a dog who writes comedy, oh come on, I mean people,,
do I look THAT stupid ?
‘DAVE’ GIVES A GOOFY GRIN TO THE AUDIENCE AND GETS GOOD LAUGHS AS WHAT HE DOESN’T SEE IS ‘MONTY’ HAS SNIFFED HIS SHOE AND IS NOW LAYING A LONG GOLDEN TURD ON IT, ‘DAVE’ NOTICES AND LOOKS PISSED OFF.
DAVE
OH YUCK, that’s not funny you stupid ( bleep ) dog !
‘DAVE’ KICKS LEG SENDING THE TURD FLYING HIGH AND IT LANDS ON ‘PAUL’S’ HEAD TO HUGE LAUGHS.
PAUL
Hey Dave, does this crap hairpiece make me look like Donald Trump?
( GRINS )
BIG AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND WE SEE ‘TUKO’ HAS REACHED INTO HIS BOXERS AND PULLED OUT A GOLDEN TURD WHICH HE IS AIMING AT ‘DAVE’
TUKU
Hey Dave !
‘TUKU’ WAITS UNTIL ‘DAVE’ JUST STARTS TO TURN HEAD AND CHUCKS IT AT HIM AND AT THE SAME TIME ‘ MONTY’ HAS SNIFFED ‘DAVE’S’ LEG AND HAS RAISED HIS LEG AND JUST BEFORE THE TURD AND PISS HIT ‘DAVE’ CUT TO A SHOT OF A LARGE GREEN FIELD WITH ‘ MONTY’ AND ‘THREE BLACK SHEEP’ AND WE CAN SEE THE TOP OF ‘WILLY’S’ WRITING PAD.
MONTY
Hey you don’t think that last gag was a bit gross do you?
WILLY ( VOICE ONLY )
No way Monty, that was gold, pure comic gold.
MONTY
Good I’m hungry, let’s do lunch and watch ‘Fox & Friends’. ( RUNS
AWAY FAST)
WILLY ( V.O. )
Ya ok, Hey Monty, WAIT FOR ME !
PAD AND PEN ARE CHUCKED ON THE GROUND AND WE HEAR ‘WILLY’ RUN OFF AS SHEEP LOOK AT THE PAD.
MIDDLE SHEEP
Dave’s right, dogs can’t write comedy, that sketch is crap, let’s
rewrite it.
‘SHEEP’ START ‘BAAING’ AND SLOWLY MOVE TOWARDS THE PAD AND WE HEAR ‘CANDY’ REPRISE HER ‘BA BA BLACK SHEEP’ MUSIC AND CUT JUST AS THE MIDDLE SHEEP REACHES FOR THE PEN.
POST SCRIPT- With forged emails of recommendation from Ken Levine
( kenlevine.blogspot.com ) the‘Middle’ sheep is now the head sketch writer for ‘Studio 60’, the‘Right’ one is ‘Donald Trump’s’ new letter writer and “personal assistant”( wink wink ), and the ‘Left’ one is ‘Senator John Kerry’s’ new speech writer and now all of them are refusing to answer or return ‘Monty’s’ calls so thanks a lot Ken ! (bastard )
NEWSFLASH
If there are any ‘Hollywood’ agents or honest shysters out there ‘Monty’ has just confessed to be the real father of ‘Anna Nicole’s’ baby and is now after representation and a free lunch or both and can be contacted at-
Monty ( the bad dog )
Stewart Island
New Zealand
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)