Not the Crap Fox News

NOT THE CRAP FOX NEWS

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY BIMBO’ AND MONITOR BEHIND HER HAS PICTURE OF ‘KARL ROVE’.

FOXY
George Bush’s right hand man Karl Rove strongly condemned singer
Cheryl Crow today after trying her one sheet of toilet paper rule saying
all he got was a brown hand and was sure Americans don’t want to shake
hands with brown hand politicians and immediately called for a twenty
sheet minimum for politicians per sitting and urged patriotic Americans
to burn their Cheryl Crow cds to help heat homeless people and stray dogs.

KARL
Yes Foxy it’s all right for Cheryl to use one sheet with a firm pert perky very spankable tight ass like hers, mmmmmmm ,, but, for big asses like
me and the president we need a minimum of two branches per movement.

FOXY
Two branches, isn’t that kind of excessive?

KARL
Well I tried twigs but they don’t seem to stick to good.

FOXY
Ouch Karl, I didn’t know you were branching out into comedy.

KARL ( confused )
Huh ?

MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘LARRY DAVID’.

FOXY
Comedy writer Larry David is in trouble today after being busted at
an exclusive Hollywood party breaking his wife Laurie and Cheryl
Crow’s one sheet of toilet paper rule by using the last five sheets of
Heather Mill’s last roll at a fundraiser she was giving to help cure her
very close friend Alex Baldwin’s daughter’s irritable bowel syndrome.
Laurie and Cheryl are both very upset with Larry’s movement and
have now banned him from watching them save water by showering
together.

LARRY
Ya darn it Foxy I’m going to miss those water saving lessons a lot
they were hot hot hot, but hey it wasn’t my fault as if you heard the
crap being floated around that night you would have got the shits too,
and Cheryl, bless her soul, didn’t seem to make any concessions for
people with medical disabilities like Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or
excessive Guiness drinking, I mean hey, one sheet isn’t going to catch a
lot if you have the shits is it ?

FOXY
Ummm, do tell Larry .

LAURIE DAVID ( yelling voice only )
Larry, you didn’t replace the toilet paper, can you get me another
roll quick please .

LARRY
But dear there’s no need, I distinctly remember leaving one sheet on.

LAURIE ( voice only )
Larry you ( BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP ) !

LARRY
Oh oh, I better escape, she gets nasty when she gets in a shitty mood.

FOXY
Well good luck Larry.

LAURIE ( v.o. )
Larry you ( BLEEP BLEEP

MONITOR QUICKLY CHANGES TO A WET ‘CHERYL CROW’.

FOXY
Cheryl Crow today justified her tour’s excessive energy demands of
six trailer trucks, three buses, and six cars saying she earned the
excessive demands by getting carbon credits for saving rain forests
by only using one sheet of toilet paper per sitting and showering
with Laurie David to save rain.

CHERYL
Yes Foxy I got lots of carbon credits from Al Gore himself after
me and Laurie showed him our rain saving scheme, he was very
impressed.

FOXY
I bet he was.

CHERYL
Well I’ve got to run Foxy, I’m on stage in like an hour and I’ve
got to get dry and use a sheet of paper wink wink.

FOXY
OK Cheryl, well good luck with the show tonight.

CHERYL
Thanks Foxy, bye.

CHERYL RUNS OFF SHOWING SIGN BEHIND HER

‘CHERYL CROW’S POOL, HOT TUB AND SAUNA TRAILER’

MONITOR TURNS OFF.

FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now, back to ‘Foxx n Friends’.

SHOT OF ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SITTING ARE A WET ‘CHERYL CROW’ AND ‘LARRY DAVID’, AND ‘KARL ROVE’ IS DANCING “GROOVY” AND HAS ONE BROWN HAND.

REDD
Damn Foxy, now that’s what I call a crap news day.

CHERYL
Sit down Karl, you dance like a drunk donkey you stupid ass.

KARL
Shut up Cheryl you nappy head ho or I’ll put you over my knee
and spank your tight firm perky ass, mmmmmm,, until you cry like
Anne Coulter begging for more.

LARRY
Girls girls, can’t we be civilized here,, wow you spanked Anne Coulter,
that sounds hot.

KARL
Yes her firm pert ass was on fire by the time I finished with it I tell you,
mmmmm,, but hey, you can talk, you get to watch Cheryl saving water,
that nappy head ho won’t even shake my hand for god’s sake.

REDD
Hell I don’t blame her, you don’t know where that hand has been .

CHERYL
Up Bush’s ass no doubt. ( AUDIENCE LAUGHS )

REDD
Damn, now there’s one ventriloquist show I DON’T want to see.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS )

LARRY
Ya I bet they have a real shitty act.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS, CUT !

Not the Nappy Head Ho Fox News

NOT THE NAPPY HEAD HO FOX NEWS

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY BIMBO’ WITH MONITOR BEHIND HER A PICTURE OF THIN SHAKING BIKINI CLAD ‘COURTNEY LOVE’.

FOXY
A thin shaking Courtney Love furiously denied having a rubber band
stomach operation for her amazing weight loss just before admitting
herself to the ‘Britney Spears Wing’ of an exclusive Hollywood rehab
centre after becoming addicted to ‘Slim Fast’ in her attempt to look
like Oprah. Courtney admitted she was snorting up to six packs a
day of chocolate shake powder and only realized she had a serious
problem when Britney Spears confused her for Nicole Ritchie.

COURTNEY
Ya Foxy I didn’t need no stupid rubber band to become thin as it was
all down to good diet, swimming, and lots and lots of Slim Fast and I’m
happy to say once I get out of this stinking hole I’m going to be the new
Slim Fast spokes model replacing that skanky nappy head ho Anna
Nicole Ritchie.

FOXY
Oh that’s great news, so does this spell an end to your acting and
singing careers ?

COURTNEY
Hell ya ! Where you been girl, they died years ago.

FOXY
Oh right, I must have still been in nappies then, hehehe.

COURTNEY
Oh, ho, ho, ho,

MAN ( voice only )
It’s nine p.m. Miss Love, time for bed.

COURTNEY
Bed no ( bleep ) way, I ain’t going to bed that ( beep ) early !

MAN ( voice only )
It’s the rules Miss Love.

COURTNEY
Screw the rules I’m out of this crappy hole !

COURTNEY DISSAPEARS FAST SHOWING SIGN BEHIND HER

‘HOLE REUNION TOUR
REHAB’

MONITOR PICTURES TURNS TO ‘BRITNEY SPEARS’ WITH HAT AND SUNGLASSES.

FOXY
After blaming Paris Hilton for all her personal problems a defiant sober
Britney Spears has now blamed Paris for Nicole Ritchie’s death, global
warming, and for killing girl pop music. Britney says now she is sober
and regained her sanity she realized what a skanky diaper head ho
Paris is and will never again eat snails, french fries, or tour France again?

BRITNEY
Ya Foxy I can’t believe what a skanky diaper head ho that bitch Paris
is for killing girl pop music and the planet with all her hot air rubbish as
I’ve heard dogs on heat that can sing better than that bitch and I don’t
blame Al Gore for wanting that ho dead.

FOXY
Ummm Britney, are you on medication ?

BRITNEY
Ya but it’s all legal like cause like I bought the contents of Anna
Nicole’s fridge on E Bay cause like I want to look just like Courtney
Love.

FOXY
Well good luck with the swimming.

BRITNEY
Ya thanks Foxy, I got to go now as I got an audition to be the new
singer of Hole, so bye bye and wish me luck.

BRITNEY DISSPAEARS FAST REVEALING SIGN.

‘ MARGOT KIDDER SANITY CENTRE’.

FOXY
I’m betting she’s a shoe in to get in that band.

MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘PARIS HILTON’ IN STRAIGHT JACKET.


FOXY
Paris Hilton has pleaded insanity over her drunk driving charges and has
now admitted herself to the ‘Courtney Love Wing’ of the ‘Margot Kidder
Sanity Centre’. She has blamed Britney Spears for all her drink, drug,
and car problems, and for making her wear no panties and appear in bad movies and pursue a pop singing career, saying, before she met that nappy
head ho she was a good catholic girl who would never dream of
making pantyless bad movies and pop records.

PARIS
Yes Foxy that nappy head ho skank bitch almost ruined my
good girl reputation by making me appear in straight to vid movies
and then convincing me I was a great pop singer. I hate that nappy
head ho bald cumslut so bad, I wish she died.

FOXY
But Paris, your cd sold like a hundred thousand copies and your
movies are huge on the internet.

PARIS
Wow really, I didn’t know that, gee maybe I really am a good singer,,
HELP, get me out of this jacket I’m not crazy,, HELLO I need out,
I’ve got an audition to be the lead singer of Hole,, HELLO,,, HELLOOO
it’s Paris Hilton here I’m sane get me out,, I need a bloody drink !

MONITOR TURNS OFF.

FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now back to ‘Foxx n Friends’.

SHOT TO THE ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SITTING IN SEATS ARE ‘COURNTEY LOVE’ WITH CHOCOLATE SHAKE POWDER UNDER HER NOSE, ‘BRITNEY SPEARS’ WITH HAT AND SUNGLASSES, AND ‘PARIS HILTON’ IN STRAIGHT JACKET. THE GUESTS HAVE BEEN BITCHING TO EACH OTHER.

REDD
Damn, I feel like a black Don Imus watching a honky ball game, am I
in nappy headed ho heaven or what?

PARIS
HEY I’m not no nappy headed ho, I can’t even play basketball !

BRITNEY
Ya I ain’t no nappy headed ho either, cause hello, like I’m bald for Christ
sakes !

COURTNEY
Well I’m a ho, but I’m way too old to be nappy headed.

BRITNEY
You’re never to old Love.

BRITNEY PULLS NAPPIES OUT OF HANDBAG AND PUTS THEM ON ‘COURNTEY’S’ HEAD AND LAUGHS.

PARIS ( to Courtney )
Lets kill the nappy head ho bitch.

‘PARIS’ AND ‘COURTNEY’ RISE UP .

REDD ( excited )
All right! Cat Fight ! that’s got to increase dem ratings !

HEAR HUGE AUDIENCE CHEERS AND DOG BARKS AND ‘REDD’ PRETENDS HE IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND CUT JUST BEFORE ‘PARIS’ AND ‘COURTNEY’ START LAYING INTO ‘BRITNEY’

Not the Nappy Headed Ho Fox News

NOT THE NAPPY HEADED HO FOX NEWS
( think cheap animation )

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY BIMBO’ AND BEHIND HER IS MONITOR WITH A PIC OF ‘DON IMUS’

FOXY
Shock jock Don Imus appeared on MTV today to sincerely apologize to
the young audience for apologizing so much on radio and TV for calling
the Rutgers womens basketball players nappy headed hoes telling the
young hipsters that those nappy headed hoes are some hot sexy bitches
that no honky stud dude like himself would ever turn down for cheap
sexual favours.

DON
Ya Foxy those nappy headed ho ballplayers are hotter than a used crack
pipe and I for one sure wouldn’t kick them out of my bed for double
dribbling on my sheets I tell ya .

A BASKETBALL HITS ‘DON’ ON THE HEAD.

DON
OUCH !!

WIFE ( angry voice only )
That’s it I want a divorce, AND, I want my hair back !

HER ARM APPEARS FROM ABOVE AND RIPS ‘DON’S’ HAIR OFF LEAVING HIM BALD AND SCREAMING.

FOXY
Ouch Don, that was a rather hair raising experience. ( SMILES )

MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO A SMOKING BRITISH HOSTAGE ‘FAYE TURNER’ DRESSED IN MUSLIM GEAR AND STANDING ON A RUGBY FIELD.

FOXY
British hostage star Faye Turner announced today she has just agreed
to be the new spokes sailor for ‘Players Navy Cut’ cigarettes and has
also signed a three year deal to play hooker for the England Rugby team.
England’s rugby coach Brian Ashton said he was sure with Faye leading
the scrum the boys would get right in behind her and turn the scrum
from a bunch of nappy headed pansies to a tight core of hardened
men, just like a boatload of British sailors.

FAYE
Yes Foxy I’m so excited about getting paid heaps to be a smoker and a
hooker for England as it’s beyond my wildest dreams as a lowly third
class seaman to be able to represent my country as a highly paid
nappy headed smoking hooker, it’s soooo exciting, I’m getting wet in
anticipation .

WHISTLE BLOWS AND ‘FAYE’ CATCHES A RUGBY BALL AND THEN IS PILED ON BY THE ENTIRE ‘NEW ZEALAND ALL BLACKS’ RUGBY TEAM.

FOXY
Darn, I would hate to be a hooker for the All Blacks, those boys look
big, mmmm

MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘HOWARD K. STERN’.

FOXY
In her first press conference since finding out Larry Birkhead was her
daddy, baby Dannielynn told a rowdy Bahamas lawyer convention she
is set to leave Larry after he called her a spoiled brat and nappy headed
ball player. Speaking for her, lawyer Howard K. Stern told the cheering
crowd that baby Dannielynn is now looking for a nice honest moral lawyer
who will handle all her book, movie, magazine, and talk show offers and
invest all her millions in get rich quick schemes and expensive legal
advice.

HOWARD
Yes Foxy baby Dannielynn told me she didn’t think stooge Larry was up
to it mentally to be her daddy and manager and begged me to take her
back which after much soul searching I agreed to just for the sake of
her future financial well being as I myself won’t be making one penny
out of her

SUDDENLY ‘HOWARD’ GETS HIT HARD BY A BASKETBALL .

HOWARD
OUCH ! That hurt you nappy headed old ho !

LARRY ( voice only )
Good shot Vergie, good shot !

VERGIE ( voice only )
Thank you Larry, my beautiful new son in law.

SUDDENLY A STEAMY SOILED DIAPER LANDS ON ‘HOWARD’S’ HEAD AND HEAR BABY LAUGHING.

LARRY ( voice only )
Wow good shot Dannielynn, you are going to make a great ball player
one day.

DANNIELYNN ( voice only )
Goo goo gaga Howard, you nappy headed shyster.

FOXY
Darn, kids grow up way to fast these days.

DANNIELYNN ( voice only )
Goo goo gaga Foxy, you can say that again.

HEAR BABY LAUGHS AND ‘LARRY’ AND ‘VIRGIE’ LAUGHS AS ‘HOWARD’ SIMMERS WITH STEAMY DIAPER. MONITOR TURNS OFF.

FOXY
And that’s today’s news headlines and now back to ‘Foxx n Friends’

SHOT OF ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SITTING IN CHAIR IS ‘DON IMUS’ WEARING AN AFRO WIG AND A HAWAIIN SHIRT.

REDD
Damn, must have been a crap day for news.

DON
Hey Redd you like my new hair, does it make me look young and hip ?

REDD
Only if your name is Reverend Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson.

DON
Well, I feel a bit dark, and, I love hoes and God.

REDD
OK well we’ll call you the Reverend Don Ho.

DON
Sounds cool, could be a new career on religious talkback, I must call
Al tomorrow.

SUDDENLY THE ‘RUTGERS WOMEN’S BASKETBALL TEAM’ RUSH IN AND START PUMMELING ‘DON’.

REDD
Damn girls, you still sore about that nappy headed ho jibe.

GIRL
Hell no Redd, we were hired as enforcers by Rev Al and Jesse to
stamp out bigoted talkback competition.

HEAR A LOUD SCUFFLE OFFSTAGE.

JOYCE ( angry voice only )
I told you boys, I’m not THAT kind of hooker !

‘FAYE’ RUNS THROUGH SET WEARING ‘ENGLAND’ RUGBY GEAR AND SEE IS BEING CHASED BY,,,, THREE MEMBERS OF THE ‘DUKE LACROSSE TEAM’ . CUT !

Not the Foxx O'Clock Easter News

NOT THE FOXX’O CLOCK EASTER NEWS
( think cheap ‘South Park’ animation )

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY BIMBO’ AND MONITOR BEHIND HER A PICTURE OF ‘CHOCOLATE JESUS’

FOXY
New York celebrated Easter Friday by unveiling ‘Chocolate Jesus’ in
‘Times Square’ where he was promptly nailed with a public indecency
charge after he became erect after being licked by Madonna. The
court date is set down for Easter Monday where prosecutors and his
lawyers are hoping to crucify him for all he’s worth.

JESUS
Yes Foxy, it’s sacrilege how much those damn lawyers charge for
working on Easter, and, who the hell called it GOOD friday anyways,
it sure wasn’t a good day for me as it brings back very painful memories
and I swear Foxy, if I get crucified in court over this trumped up charge
I will stage a hunger strike and die a martyr rather than melt away in
some American jail.

FOXY
Jesus, I sure hope you have good lawyers.

JESUS
Yes Foxy they assured me they were the best, do the names Larry
Birkhead’s former lawyer and Howard K. Stern mean anything to
you?

FOXY
Yes, it means you will be poor dead Jesus.

JESUS
Damn, how could those lawyers lie to me ?

MONITOR CHANGES TO A PICTURE OF ‘FAYE TURNEY ‘ THE BRITISH FEMALE SAILOR HOSTAGE.

FOXY
The British hostages were welcomed home to more humiliation today when
U-Tube showed footage of their appearance on an Iranian TV talent show lip
syncing and dancing to Britain’s entry in the Eurovision Song Contest,
‘Fly the Flag For You’ . After the song finished all fifteen hostages broke
down and cried when they realized Britain had no chance of winning the
Eurovision Song Contest and that their careers as TV entertainers was
virtually over.

FAYE
Yes Foxy it was soooo embarrassing as we didn’t even have a rehearsal
and the song were so banal and stupid and we had to dance and clap like
seals on speed trying to keep up to the beat, it was the most vile
disgusting act I’ve ever had to do , and, I’m a sailor, and, mother of
a three year old. ( SHUDDERS IN DISGUST )


FOXY
Well it couldn’t have been that bad as it says you came third.

FAYE
There was only two other acts.

FOXY
Oh right.

FAYE
And, they were both dumb dancing donkey acts.

FOXY
Yes I’ve heard they love their stupid asses over there. ( SMILES )

FAYE
Oh hee haw Foxy, Hee bloody haw !

MONITOR CHANGES TO A PICTURE OF ‘PRINCE PHILIP’ IN NAVY GEAR.

FOXY
The Queen of England’s urging Britains not to watch the ‘South Park’
episode in which she shoots herself has backfired on her when the
episode received record ratings beating last year’s ‘Eurovision Song
Contest’ by over ten million peasants. ‘South Park’ are now planning
an episode where more members of the Royal Family are killed off by
an Iranian suicide donkey bomber at the ‘Eurovision Song Contest’.

PRINCE
Yes Foxy and speaking for the Royal Family I pledge if ‘South Park’
go ahead with the ‘Eurovision Song Contest’ killings I will personally
send a boatload of sailors over to America to hunt them down, and
then, sue them for all they are bloody well worth, we will see who has
the last laugh in court.

FOXY
Sure hope you have good lawyers Prince.

PRINCE
Bloody right we do, do the names Debra Opri and Howard K. Stern
ring a bell.

FOXY
Yes Prince, an alarm bell, I’d hide the family jewels if I was you.

PRINCE
No worries about that Foxy, the old girl forbids me from wearing
kilts these days, something about saggage if you know what I mean,
wink wink nudge nudge.

FOXY
Oh Prince you are so cheeky, now I see what Anna Nicole and
Zsa Zsa saw in you .

PRINCE LOOKS CONFUSED AND MONITOR TURNS OFF.

FOXY
And that’s today’s head lines and now back to ‘Foxx n Friends’

SHOT TO ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED IN CHAIRS ARE ‘MADONNA’ DRESSED AS A “VIRGIN” WITH LOTS OF WHITE “CHOCOLATE” AROUND HER MOUTH, ‘CHOCOLATE JESUS’ LOOKING VERY “HAPPY”, ‘HOWARD K. STERN’, AND ‘KEITH RICHARDS’ SMOKING A JOINT.

REDD
Damn Madonna, you do that so well for a virgin.

MADONNA
Virgin ?The only virgin I am is a virgin on the ridiculous, ( LICKS LIPS )
mmm Jesus, god you taste so yummy mmmmmm.

JESUS
Ohhhhh Madonna, for that act you get a free ticket to heaven and
when you cum you can stay at my joint, mmmmm , has anyone got a
smoke ?

KEITH PASSES JESUS THE JOINT.

REDD
Damn, heaven is sure looking good, hope I get a free ticket Jesus.

JESUS
Sorry Redd, no comics allowed, they are too cynical.

REDD
Damn it,, I don’t believe in it anyways.

JESUS
Yes I know.

REDD
Damn !

HOWARD
What about me Jesus, surely your lawyer must get a free ticket to
Heaven, because I believe, I believe, honest.

EVERYONE LAUGHS AT ‘HOWARD’ AND HEAR DOG BARKS.

HOWARD
Hey what’s so funny, I’m dead serious.

EVERYONE LAUGHS AGAIN AND MORE DOG BARKS.

JESUS
Haha are you joking Howard, lawyers aren’t even allowed into
Hell hahahaha.

KEITH
How about me Jesus, I’m a drug addict, a sleazy rock star, I fall out
of Cocoa Nut trees , and, I snorted my father’s ashes, do I get in ?

JESUS
Yes of coarse Keith, heaven loves musicians.

KEITH ( excited )
Yes !!! ( GIVES HOWARD THE FINGER )

REDD
Damn don’t we get any music in hell ?

JESUS
Yes of coarse you do Redd, you get two kinds of music.

REDD
Oh great,, please tell me it’s blues and jazz.

JESUS
Sorry no, you get country, and ,, western hahahaha.

REDD
Jesus ,damn it damn it, that’s unfair !

JESUS
Haha that’s funny , that’s exactly what John Belushi said after I
told him.( TAKES ANOTHER TOKE ) Gee Keith this cigarette sure tastes funny.

KEITH
Ya well it should, I rolled it with high grade clown ashes.

HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS, CUT !