SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY BIMBO’ AND BESIDE HER IS A MONITOR WITH A PICTURE OF “JUDGE” ‘LARRY SEIDLIN’.
FOXY
The funny crying Anna Nicole judge Larry Seidlin confirmed to ‘Shyster
Magazine’ last night that he quit his judge job to star in an updated
‘Charlie’s Angels’ sitcom with Fox called ‘Larry’s Angels’ in which he
plays a funny probation officer to star clients Lindsay Lohan, Paris
Hilton, and Nicole Ritchie. Production is due to start once Lindsay
sobers up, Nicole escapes jail, and Paris learns to act good.,,, Wow
Larry, that’s quite an impressive cast.
LARRY
Ya thanks Foxy, and the girls ain’t bad either I tell ya.
FOXY
I was talking about the girls .
LARRY
Hey I’m the star of the show not them, I’m the only one who can cry
on cue ya know.
FOXY
But Larry, big stars don’t cry.
LARRY ( tearfull )
What do ya mean by that ? ( STARTS CRYING )
MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘LARRY KING’.
FOXY
Larry King admitted last night that C.N.N paid Paris Hilton for her
stimulating interview but said it was only two signed 4 x 6 glossy
pics of himself, 45 dollars, and a weekend in Vegas for Rick and
Kathy with a free mini bar and Wayne Newton tickets.,,,, So
Larry, people are questioning the 45 dollars, does this mean C.N.N.
pays for interviews ?
LARRY
No not at all Foxy, the 45 bucks was to Kathy for professional services.
FOXY
Kathy, what’s she ever done that’s professional?
LARRY
When she rang me up collect to moan about Paris she was so hot and
sexy it was the best damn 45 seconds of phone sex I ever had, I came
like a drunk Mormon teenager Foxy, I was Fantastic!
FOXY
Ah, that’s a bit too much info Larry. ( SHUDDERS )
LARRY
I’ll give you my number later Foxy, I pay well for “sexy” interviews
you know. ( WINKS )
FOXY
Larry if I ever get that desperate, I’d rather ring Phil Spector for a
date. ( SHUDDERS AT THE THOUGHT )
‘LARRY’ FROWNS AND MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘LARRY BIRKHEAD’.
FOXY
Larry Birkhead rebuffed rumors he was gay last night by proudly
boasting to the boys from ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ he has
just become engaged to a very smart sexy funny straight woman.
Larry announced he and Anne Heche will be tying the knot in San
Francisco as soon as Anne can get a divorce from her straight
husband and that both he and Baby Dannielynn were really looking
forward to married bliss.,,, So Larry this is a bit of a surprise
announcement, how long have you and Anne being seeing each other
for?
LARRY
Um, a real long time, we met almost two weeks ago at a Ryan
Seacrest sauna party, we got on like houses on fire and we made a real
hot couple, Baby Dannielynn loves her so much she is already
calling her Mummy.
FOXY
Maybe she thinks its Anna returning after a six month ‘Slim Fast’
binge.
LARRY
Huh? ( CONFUSED )
FOXY
Sorry, it was a thin attempt at humour.
‘LARRY’ LOOKS PERPLEXED, MONITOR TURNS OFF.
FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n Friends’.
SHOT TO ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘LARRY BIRKHEAD’ HOLDING ‘BABY DANNIELYNNE’ LIKE A VENTRILIQUIST DOLL, ‘LARRY KING’, ‘LARRY SEIDLIN’, ‘LARRY DAVID’, AND ‘LARRY FINE’ FROM ‘THE THREE STOOGES’.
REDD
Thanks Foxy, and to celebrate international Larry Day we got a panel of
funny Larries for ya all,
LARRY DAVID
Hey I don’t know if Larry Birkhead is a funny Larry, he has way too
much hair to be a funny Larry.
OTHER LARRIES NOD IN AGREEMENT.
LARRY BIRKHEAD
Hey I can grow out of it, I lost a hair today in the shower, honest.
OTHER LARRIES LOOK AT HIM WITH HATE.
LARRY FINE
Ya Larry ain’t no funny Larry, he’s just a stooge Larry.
BABY DANNIELYNNE ( Larry Birkead’s voice )
Oh look whose calling who a stooge, you Larries are just funny has
beens, my Daddy is the new King of funny Larries, all hail the King.
LARRY KING
No he’s not the King, I am!
BABY DANNIELYNN
No you’re the Queen darling.
‘LARRY BIRKEAD’ LOOKS SEDUCTIVELY AT ‘LARRY KING’.
LARRY SEIDLIN
Hey I’m a good judge of funny Larries and believe me Larry you
ain’t that funny, even your ventriloquist act stinks.
LARRY BIRKHEAD
What ventriloquist act ?
‘BABY DANNIELYNNE’ STICKS TONGUE OUT AND GIVES FINGER TO ‘LARRY SEIDLIN’. IN RUSHES ‘LARRY HAGMAN’ DRESSED AS ‘I DREAM OF JEANIE’ ASTRONAUT WHEELING IN ‘LARRY FLYNT’.
LARRY HAGMAN
Sorry we’re late, we had to stop off for astronaut diapers.
‘LARRY FLYNT’ LETS OUT A BIG JUICY FART, HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
LARRY FLYNT
Ahhh that’s better, I’m as happy as Larry now. ( SMILES )
HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AS ‘LARRY FINE’ TAKES AIM AT ‘LARRY BIRKHEAD’ WITH A CREAM PIE AND LETS FLY AND ‘BIRKHEAD’ SHIELDS HIMSELF WITH ‘BABY DANNIELYNNE’ AND CUT AN INCH BEFORE THE PIE HITS ‘BABY’ IN THE FACE.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Not the Fox News Comedy Show 4
SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY BIMBO’ AND BESIDE HER IS MONITOR WITH A PICTURE OF ‘HOWARD K. STERN’ AND ‘DEBRA OPRI’.
FOXY
The missing pants judge Roy Pearson last night lowered his suit
against the poor Korean dry cleaning couple and is now only asking
for a paltry 22 million, which, he claims is one million for the pants
and a missing wallet, five million for emotional distress, and the
remaining millions will go towards paying his legal fees, which, Roy
proudly said, he has now cut in half by firing himself and hiring
Debra Opri, Howard K. Stern, and Mike Nifong to represent him.,,,
So Debra and Howard, if you win Roy’s suit how can you expect a
poor Korean couple to pay 22 million when they can’t even pay
their own legal bills ?
DEBRA AND HOWARD ( shocked in unision )
Can’t pay their legal bills,, ( SCREAMS )
FOXY
That’s funny, that’s the exact same reaction I had when I opened my
last lawyers bill to see I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
‘DEBRA’ AND ‘HOWARD’ SCOWL AT ‘FOXY’ AND MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘RICK’ AND ‘KATHY HILTON’.
FOXY
Rick and Kathy Hilton announced last night they have finalized
Paris’s cumming out of jail party after a week of extensive
negotiations and hard bargaining. The posh party will be staged
at the Silicon Valley ‘Star Bucks’ after manager Joey Tribbiani
agreed to their demands of free transport, drinks, and food, and
a cash payment, of 45 dollars. Joey said in keeping with the
parties theme Paris and the rich people will be picked up outside
jail in a beat up old Greyhound bus for the short drive north where
they will be treated to a night of black coffee and salted peanuts
with the music being supplied by Sir Paul McCartney. ,, So David
and Kathy, what made you decide on Silicon Valley rather than Vegas
or even Hollywood ?
RICK
Money talks Foxy, money talks, and, we are all huge Wings fans.
KATHY
I’m not really a huge Wings fan dear, I much prefer the bar room
banter of ‘Cheers’.
RICK
Not the sitcom darling, the band, you know we were all singing
their song the night Paris came out of jail, ‘Band on the Run’.
KATHY
Oh yes of coarse,, ( SINGS BADLY) “and the country judge who held
a grudge will search for evermore,,( RICKS JOINS IN SINGING BADLY )
for the , Paris on the Run,,, Paris on the Run.( SMILE AT EACH OTHER )
FOXY
Well we can sure see where Paris got her singing talent from.
KATHY AND RICK
Why thank you Foxy.
‘KATHY’ AND ‘RICK’ SMILE, MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘LARRY BIRKHEAD’ HOLDING BABY ‘DANNIELYNN’ LIKE A VENTRILQUIST DUMMY.
FOXY
C.B.S. chief Sumner Redstone last night fired Katie Couric from
the evening news anchor job after hearing about Dan Rather’s
stinging criticism of Katie being to tarty. He announced they have
now hired highly respected ‘University of Kentucky’ journalism
degree holder Larry Birkhead and baby Dannielyn to co anchor
the news with Dan Rather returning to be the friendly funny
weatherman. Sumner said with the new line up he was sure once
again C.B.S would rise to the top and overtake Fox as the third
rated news.’,, So Larry ,that’s a bit of a surprise announcement,
I didn’t even know you had a journalism degree.
LARRY
Oh ya Foxy, I ain’t just a pretty face ya know, ( SMILES ) I was
Summa Cum Lord of my class I’ll have ya know.
FOXY
Wow really, was it a big class?
LARRY
Um heck ya, there was me and um, the entire University of
Kentucky Wildcats offensive line and um, two real smart
Koreans who couldn’t speak English to good.
BABY ( Larry doing a bad ventriloquist act )
They were the cleaners ya dork !
LARRY
Don’t call me a dork baby, we’re on TV now ya know.
BABY
Ya I know, I’m the one that got us the anchor jobs ya schmuk !
LARRY
No way baby, it was my University of Kentucky journalism
degree that got us that job.
BABY
Oh ya right, the Harvard of the South, I forgot. ( ROLLS EYES )
FOXY
Well I can see you two are sure going to bring back the integrity
to the C.B.S. News.
‘LARRY’ AND ‘BABY’ LAUGH, MONITOR TURNS OFF.
FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n Friends’.
SHOT TO ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘LARRY BIRKHEAD AND BABY DANNIELYN’, ‘RICK AND KATHY HILTON’, AND ‘DEBRA OPRI’ AND ‘HOWARD K. STERN’.
REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a bunch of high profile Hollywood
couples for ya all,
DEBRA
Excuse me Redd, we’re not officially a “couple” couple, we are
just “good” friends.
BABY
Ya Howard can’t be anything more than “good” friends, wink
wink nudge nudge . ( SHOWS A LIMP WRIST )
LARRY
Baby Dannielyn, don’t be so naughty !
HOWARD
Baby Dannielyn you’re just jealous cause I’m not your daddy,
at least I’VE got an honest profession.
HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS, ‘HOWARD’ SCOULS AT THEM.
DEBRA
So Larry, now that you are a highly paid anchor when can I expect
you to pay my legal bill, lawyers have to eat too you know.
BABY
Screw you shyster, he ain’t paying for your dinners bitch !
KATHY
Oh my that’s no way for a young girl to behave, Baby Dannielyn
is growing up way to fast.
RICK
Ah dear, that’s not Baby Dannielyn, it’s Larry.
KATHY
Oh well excuse me, then Baby Larry is growing up way to fast then.
REDD
Well I can sure see where Paris gets her brains from.
HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS, BABY LOOKS EVIL AT ‘KATHY’, HEAD TURNS AROUND LIKE IN ‘THE EXCORCIST’, SHE PUKES OUT GREEN VOMIT, HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AND CUT AN INCH BEFORE THE PUKE HITS HER IN THE FACE.
FOXY
The missing pants judge Roy Pearson last night lowered his suit
against the poor Korean dry cleaning couple and is now only asking
for a paltry 22 million, which, he claims is one million for the pants
and a missing wallet, five million for emotional distress, and the
remaining millions will go towards paying his legal fees, which, Roy
proudly said, he has now cut in half by firing himself and hiring
Debra Opri, Howard K. Stern, and Mike Nifong to represent him.,,,
So Debra and Howard, if you win Roy’s suit how can you expect a
poor Korean couple to pay 22 million when they can’t even pay
their own legal bills ?
DEBRA AND HOWARD ( shocked in unision )
Can’t pay their legal bills,, ( SCREAMS )
FOXY
That’s funny, that’s the exact same reaction I had when I opened my
last lawyers bill to see I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
‘DEBRA’ AND ‘HOWARD’ SCOWL AT ‘FOXY’ AND MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘RICK’ AND ‘KATHY HILTON’.
FOXY
Rick and Kathy Hilton announced last night they have finalized
Paris’s cumming out of jail party after a week of extensive
negotiations and hard bargaining. The posh party will be staged
at the Silicon Valley ‘Star Bucks’ after manager Joey Tribbiani
agreed to their demands of free transport, drinks, and food, and
a cash payment, of 45 dollars. Joey said in keeping with the
parties theme Paris and the rich people will be picked up outside
jail in a beat up old Greyhound bus for the short drive north where
they will be treated to a night of black coffee and salted peanuts
with the music being supplied by Sir Paul McCartney. ,, So David
and Kathy, what made you decide on Silicon Valley rather than Vegas
or even Hollywood ?
RICK
Money talks Foxy, money talks, and, we are all huge Wings fans.
KATHY
I’m not really a huge Wings fan dear, I much prefer the bar room
banter of ‘Cheers’.
RICK
Not the sitcom darling, the band, you know we were all singing
their song the night Paris came out of jail, ‘Band on the Run’.
KATHY
Oh yes of coarse,, ( SINGS BADLY) “and the country judge who held
a grudge will search for evermore,,( RICKS JOINS IN SINGING BADLY )
for the , Paris on the Run,,, Paris on the Run.( SMILE AT EACH OTHER )
FOXY
Well we can sure see where Paris got her singing talent from.
KATHY AND RICK
Why thank you Foxy.
‘KATHY’ AND ‘RICK’ SMILE, MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘LARRY BIRKHEAD’ HOLDING BABY ‘DANNIELYNN’ LIKE A VENTRILQUIST DUMMY.
FOXY
C.B.S. chief Sumner Redstone last night fired Katie Couric from
the evening news anchor job after hearing about Dan Rather’s
stinging criticism of Katie being to tarty. He announced they have
now hired highly respected ‘University of Kentucky’ journalism
degree holder Larry Birkhead and baby Dannielyn to co anchor
the news with Dan Rather returning to be the friendly funny
weatherman. Sumner said with the new line up he was sure once
again C.B.S would rise to the top and overtake Fox as the third
rated news.’,, So Larry ,that’s a bit of a surprise announcement,
I didn’t even know you had a journalism degree.
LARRY
Oh ya Foxy, I ain’t just a pretty face ya know, ( SMILES ) I was
Summa Cum Lord of my class I’ll have ya know.
FOXY
Wow really, was it a big class?
LARRY
Um heck ya, there was me and um, the entire University of
Kentucky Wildcats offensive line and um, two real smart
Koreans who couldn’t speak English to good.
BABY ( Larry doing a bad ventriloquist act )
They were the cleaners ya dork !
LARRY
Don’t call me a dork baby, we’re on TV now ya know.
BABY
Ya I know, I’m the one that got us the anchor jobs ya schmuk !
LARRY
No way baby, it was my University of Kentucky journalism
degree that got us that job.
BABY
Oh ya right, the Harvard of the South, I forgot. ( ROLLS EYES )
FOXY
Well I can see you two are sure going to bring back the integrity
to the C.B.S. News.
‘LARRY’ AND ‘BABY’ LAUGH, MONITOR TURNS OFF.
FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n Friends’.
SHOT TO ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘LARRY BIRKHEAD AND BABY DANNIELYN’, ‘RICK AND KATHY HILTON’, AND ‘DEBRA OPRI’ AND ‘HOWARD K. STERN’.
REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a bunch of high profile Hollywood
couples for ya all,
DEBRA
Excuse me Redd, we’re not officially a “couple” couple, we are
just “good” friends.
BABY
Ya Howard can’t be anything more than “good” friends, wink
wink nudge nudge . ( SHOWS A LIMP WRIST )
LARRY
Baby Dannielyn, don’t be so naughty !
HOWARD
Baby Dannielyn you’re just jealous cause I’m not your daddy,
at least I’VE got an honest profession.
HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS, ‘HOWARD’ SCOULS AT THEM.
DEBRA
So Larry, now that you are a highly paid anchor when can I expect
you to pay my legal bill, lawyers have to eat too you know.
BABY
Screw you shyster, he ain’t paying for your dinners bitch !
KATHY
Oh my that’s no way for a young girl to behave, Baby Dannielyn
is growing up way to fast.
RICK
Ah dear, that’s not Baby Dannielyn, it’s Larry.
KATHY
Oh well excuse me, then Baby Larry is growing up way to fast then.
REDD
Well I can sure see where Paris gets her brains from.
HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS, BABY LOOKS EVIL AT ‘KATHY’, HEAD TURNS AROUND LIKE IN ‘THE EXCORCIST’, SHE PUKES OUT GREEN VOMIT, HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AND CUT AN INCH BEFORE THE PUKE HITS HER IN THE FACE.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Not the Fox News Comedy Show 3
SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY BIMBO’ AND BESIDE HER IS A MONITOR WITH A BLURRY PICTURE OF ‘PARIS HILTON’ IN OLD BLACK AND WHITE STRIPPED JAIL GEAR AND HOLDING A BIBLE.
FOXY
Paris Hilton posted a phone video last night on MySpace to cry to
her millions of friends that she hates this scummy jail and that fat
pig scumbag judge who sent her back but plans to spend her remaining
few days productively by crying and writing songs for a new record
tentively titled, ‘Legal Blues’, which is being put out on the ‘Star
Bucks’ label and being produced by Phil Spector. She also said she
would be putting the finishing touches on her jail diary which she
proudly told her millions of friends that she has already wrote
something like almost seventeen, words,, if a, the , and duh, are
counted as words.
PARIS
Yes Foxy my jail record and diary are going to be huge sellers, I’m
going to earn like a million bucks a day in jail, thank you baby
Jesus, thank you.
FOXY
So Paris, what was the mysterious illness that got you out of jail
for a day ?
PARIS
It’s pretty rare, I think it’s called,, nailanity ?
FOXY
Nailanity, I’ve never heard of that one, what is it ?
PARIS
It’s where an innocent girl breaks a nail and can’t stop crying about
it until she goes crazy, lucky I have a good doctor cause like believe
it or not I’m like the first known case, yay for me, thank you baby
Jesus and Doctor Sophy, I love you.
‘PARIS’ CELLPHONE CONNECTION DROPS OFF.
FOXY
Whoops, looks like she’s getting a pretty bad reception in jail.
MONITOR CHANGES TO A PICTURE OF A VERY HAPPY LOOKING ‘CHRIS WOODS’, THE MAN SUING ‘BOOST PLUS’ DRINKS FOR GIVING HIM A BONER THAT WOULDN’T DIE.
FOXY
Chris Woods the man suing ‘Boost Plus Energy Drinks’ for
giving him wood that just would not fall has cum to an out of
court settlement with the huge hard drink cumpany by agreeing
to accept their offer, to be their new Spokesmodel. Mister
Woods and his wood will be touring the country with a band of
strippers and free samples and kicks off a grueling 69 city
tour Tuesday in Woodstock and ends 68 days later at Holly
Wood’s Hard Rock Café.
CHRIS
Yo Foxy, ya it’s so good to be working again if ya know what I
mean cause man it’s been a hard few years for me I tell ya, I’ve
been laughed out of so many job interviews it just ain’t funny,,
hahaha ( TAKES BIG DRINK )
FOXY
Gee Chris, it sure sounds a hard tour, 69 cities in 69 days,
are you sure you are up for it.
CHRIS
Ya I know it’s going to be hard Foxy, I’m going to have to drink
gallons of this stuff every day, I’m not sure I can keep it up for
the whole tour but with a band of strippers I think I’m sure
going to die trying, haha, thank you Jesus and Boost Plus , hahaha
( STARTS SCULLING DRINK )
FOXY
Now THAT, is one happy man.
MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO A PICTURE OF ‘PHIL SPECTOR’.
FOXY
Phil Spector dropped a bombshell last night by firing his entire
legal team and has now hired Paris Hilton’s Doctor Charles Sophy
to represent him. Doctor Sophy immediately diagnosed his client
with having a rare incurable condition called ‘Paris Hilton
Syndrome’, in which the patient has an incontrollable urge to
shoot their mouth off and then act crazy like they didn’t do it.
Doctor Sophy is expecting his client’s charges to be dropped
sometime after midnight and has already organized a Freedom
Party at Paris Hilton’s house tomorrow night.
PHIL
Ya Foxy Doctor Sop is a saviour, he even got my the gig
producing Paris’s new record , it’s going to be so groovy man,
she sings like a bird.
FOXY
Yes, a senile jailbird,, have you ever heard her actually sing ?
PHIL
Ya Doctor Sop played her album for me and that’s what gave me
her syndrome and a free ticket to freedom and insanity, thank
you Jesus, Paris, and Doctor Sop. ( LAUGHS CRAZILY)
FOXY
Shoot Phil, you’ve convinced me, hope I get an invite to tomorrow’s
Freedom Party .
PHIL
Ya come along Foxy, I promise you that gun in my pocket is only cause
I’m VERY happy to see you. ( STICKS TONGUE OUT PROVOCATIVLY )
‘PHIL’ LAUGHS CRAZILY, ‘FOXY’ SHUDDERS AT THE THOUGHT AND MONITOR TURNS OFF.
FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n Friends’.
SHOT OF ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘PARIS HILTON’ IN OLD STYLE JAIL GEAR WITH A BALL AND CHAIN AROUND ANKLE AND HOLDING A BIBLE, ‘CHRIS WOODS’ IN A TIGHT ‘BOOST PLUS MAN’ SUPERHEROE COSTUME WITH A BIG BONER AND DRINKING A BOTTLE OF ‘BOOST PLUS’ , AND ‘PHIL SPECTOR’ HOLDING A NOTE AND A BIBLE.
REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a bit of a hard case panel for ya all,
PARIS
Umm excuse me, I’m not a hard case, I only mix with the soft prisoners and have no jail tattoos, yet, thank you baby Jesus, thank you .
CHRIS
Man I’m a real hard case, thank you Jesus and Boost Plus, I love
you guys, hahaha. ( SCULLS DRINK, BONER GETS BIGGER, PARIS IS VERY IMPRESSED )
PHIL
Well I’m sure not a hard case, it’s obvious I’m completely innocent,
I’ve got Paris Hilton Syndrome and I’m stark raving mad and I’ve
got a doctor’s note to prove it ! ( LAUGHS CRAZY AND WAVES NOTE AROUND )
PARIS
Hey that’s not funny Phil ! don’t steal my syndrome! I paid Doctor
Sophy big money for that and I’m using it again next week, so
give it back now or else I’m telling my mommy !
PHIL
To late bitch, haha, thank you Jesus and Doctor Sop, yee haw !
‘PHIL’ GETS UP AND JUMPS UP AND DOWN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY WAVING BIBLE IN ONE HAND AND NOTE IN THE OTHER, BEHIND HIM SNEAKS IN ‘DOCTOR SOPHY’ IN WHITE COAT WITH A HUGE NEEDLE,’PARIS’ THROWS HER BIBLE AT ‘PHIL’ AND HITS HIM IN THE HEAD, WE HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AND CUT AN INCH BEFORE ‘DOCTOR’ SHOVES THE NEEDLE HARD UP ‘PHIL’S’ ASS.
FOXY
Paris Hilton posted a phone video last night on MySpace to cry to
her millions of friends that she hates this scummy jail and that fat
pig scumbag judge who sent her back but plans to spend her remaining
few days productively by crying and writing songs for a new record
tentively titled, ‘Legal Blues’, which is being put out on the ‘Star
Bucks’ label and being produced by Phil Spector. She also said she
would be putting the finishing touches on her jail diary which she
proudly told her millions of friends that she has already wrote
something like almost seventeen, words,, if a, the , and duh, are
counted as words.
PARIS
Yes Foxy my jail record and diary are going to be huge sellers, I’m
going to earn like a million bucks a day in jail, thank you baby
Jesus, thank you.
FOXY
So Paris, what was the mysterious illness that got you out of jail
for a day ?
PARIS
It’s pretty rare, I think it’s called,, nailanity ?
FOXY
Nailanity, I’ve never heard of that one, what is it ?
PARIS
It’s where an innocent girl breaks a nail and can’t stop crying about
it until she goes crazy, lucky I have a good doctor cause like believe
it or not I’m like the first known case, yay for me, thank you baby
Jesus and Doctor Sophy, I love you.
‘PARIS’ CELLPHONE CONNECTION DROPS OFF.
FOXY
Whoops, looks like she’s getting a pretty bad reception in jail.
MONITOR CHANGES TO A PICTURE OF A VERY HAPPY LOOKING ‘CHRIS WOODS’, THE MAN SUING ‘BOOST PLUS’ DRINKS FOR GIVING HIM A BONER THAT WOULDN’T DIE.
FOXY
Chris Woods the man suing ‘Boost Plus Energy Drinks’ for
giving him wood that just would not fall has cum to an out of
court settlement with the huge hard drink cumpany by agreeing
to accept their offer, to be their new Spokesmodel. Mister
Woods and his wood will be touring the country with a band of
strippers and free samples and kicks off a grueling 69 city
tour Tuesday in Woodstock and ends 68 days later at Holly
Wood’s Hard Rock Café.
CHRIS
Yo Foxy, ya it’s so good to be working again if ya know what I
mean cause man it’s been a hard few years for me I tell ya, I’ve
been laughed out of so many job interviews it just ain’t funny,,
hahaha ( TAKES BIG DRINK )
FOXY
Gee Chris, it sure sounds a hard tour, 69 cities in 69 days,
are you sure you are up for it.
CHRIS
Ya I know it’s going to be hard Foxy, I’m going to have to drink
gallons of this stuff every day, I’m not sure I can keep it up for
the whole tour but with a band of strippers I think I’m sure
going to die trying, haha, thank you Jesus and Boost Plus , hahaha
( STARTS SCULLING DRINK )
FOXY
Now THAT, is one happy man.
MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO A PICTURE OF ‘PHIL SPECTOR’.
FOXY
Phil Spector dropped a bombshell last night by firing his entire
legal team and has now hired Paris Hilton’s Doctor Charles Sophy
to represent him. Doctor Sophy immediately diagnosed his client
with having a rare incurable condition called ‘Paris Hilton
Syndrome’, in which the patient has an incontrollable urge to
shoot their mouth off and then act crazy like they didn’t do it.
Doctor Sophy is expecting his client’s charges to be dropped
sometime after midnight and has already organized a Freedom
Party at Paris Hilton’s house tomorrow night.
PHIL
Ya Foxy Doctor Sop is a saviour, he even got my the gig
producing Paris’s new record , it’s going to be so groovy man,
she sings like a bird.
FOXY
Yes, a senile jailbird,, have you ever heard her actually sing ?
PHIL
Ya Doctor Sop played her album for me and that’s what gave me
her syndrome and a free ticket to freedom and insanity, thank
you Jesus, Paris, and Doctor Sop. ( LAUGHS CRAZILY)
FOXY
Shoot Phil, you’ve convinced me, hope I get an invite to tomorrow’s
Freedom Party .
PHIL
Ya come along Foxy, I promise you that gun in my pocket is only cause
I’m VERY happy to see you. ( STICKS TONGUE OUT PROVOCATIVLY )
‘PHIL’ LAUGHS CRAZILY, ‘FOXY’ SHUDDERS AT THE THOUGHT AND MONITOR TURNS OFF.
FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n Friends’.
SHOT OF ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘PARIS HILTON’ IN OLD STYLE JAIL GEAR WITH A BALL AND CHAIN AROUND ANKLE AND HOLDING A BIBLE, ‘CHRIS WOODS’ IN A TIGHT ‘BOOST PLUS MAN’ SUPERHEROE COSTUME WITH A BIG BONER AND DRINKING A BOTTLE OF ‘BOOST PLUS’ , AND ‘PHIL SPECTOR’ HOLDING A NOTE AND A BIBLE.
REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a bit of a hard case panel for ya all,
PARIS
Umm excuse me, I’m not a hard case, I only mix with the soft prisoners and have no jail tattoos, yet, thank you baby Jesus, thank you .
CHRIS
Man I’m a real hard case, thank you Jesus and Boost Plus, I love
you guys, hahaha. ( SCULLS DRINK, BONER GETS BIGGER, PARIS IS VERY IMPRESSED )
PHIL
Well I’m sure not a hard case, it’s obvious I’m completely innocent,
I’ve got Paris Hilton Syndrome and I’m stark raving mad and I’ve
got a doctor’s note to prove it ! ( LAUGHS CRAZY AND WAVES NOTE AROUND )
PARIS
Hey that’s not funny Phil ! don’t steal my syndrome! I paid Doctor
Sophy big money for that and I’m using it again next week, so
give it back now or else I’m telling my mommy !
PHIL
To late bitch, haha, thank you Jesus and Doctor Sop, yee haw !
‘PHIL’ GETS UP AND JUMPS UP AND DOWN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY WAVING BIBLE IN ONE HAND AND NOTE IN THE OTHER, BEHIND HIM SNEAKS IN ‘DOCTOR SOPHY’ IN WHITE COAT WITH A HUGE NEEDLE,’PARIS’ THROWS HER BIBLE AT ‘PHIL’ AND HITS HIM IN THE HEAD, WE HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AND CUT AN INCH BEFORE ‘DOCTOR’ SHOVES THE NEEDLE HARD UP ‘PHIL’S’ ASS.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Not the Fox News Comedy Show 2
SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY BIMBO’ AND BESIDE HER IS A MONITOR WITH A PICTURE OF ‘ROSIE O’ DONNELL’ HANGING UPSIDE DOWN ON HER BARS IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE.
FOXY
Rosie O’ Donnell posted another video blog last night telling her fans
she will be entering rehab in a few months to cure her addiction to
medical marijuana which she legally gets from Oregon after spending
a very depressing weekend in Eugene ten years ago. She now blames
Eugene and his kick ass weed for all the silly things she has said about
9/11, the war, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who she described as a very
sexy funny smart woman who should win the next Nobel Peace Prize
and become America’s first female ambassador to Iraq while leading
the New York Giants offense, to Superbowl glory ?
ROSIE
Yes Foxy, Elizabeth is so sexy and smart and man what a bod, I
would pay good money to be able to bang that bitch doggie style
with my ‘Ellen Degenerate Strap On’, she would love it Foxy as I’m
way better than a man if you know what I mean. ( STICKS
TOUNGE OUT PROVOCATIVLY )
FOXY
Well I’ll take your word for it, ( SHUDDERS AT THOUGHT )
But are you serious in your apologizing for all your silly 9/11
and war comments ?
ROSIE
Hell ya Foxy, I’ve come on here just to show me hanging my head
in shame, I hope this position doesn’t make my head look big
does it ?
FOXY
Well yes, it looks bigger than a pregnant beached blue whale.
( SMILES )
ROSIE ( angry )
Hey ! !
MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘LYNDSAY LOHAN’ WITH A GLASS OF “COKE” IN HAND.
FOXY
Lyndsay Lohan celebrated finishing her second rehab last night
by staggering out of a hot Hollywood night club to tell the
waiting paparazzi her second rehab was the hardest few days
of her life but well worth it and a good lesson to all under aged
drinking girls to be way more careful when driving. She also took
the opportunity to announce she has just signed on with Paris
Hilton and Britney Spears to make a new Fox mini series
based on the lives of ‘The Three Stooges’. She said Britney has
already nabbed the role of Curly but her and Paris are still
fighting over the Moe role because nobody wants to play that
dork Larry.
LYNDSAY
Ya Foxy the Larry role sucks big time, and nobody sucks better
than that spoiled nappy head ho Paris, she’s going to go down
very well in jail I tell you, wink wink.
FOXY
Wow, I bet she’s going to be popular prisoner then.
LYNDSAY
Heck ya! she’ll be more popular that a solitary cheap crack
whore at a Duke Lacrosse Team New Years Eve party !
MOM ( voice only )
Britney dear, where did you stash the coke and whiskey darling,
Mama’s bored.
LYNDSAY ( angry )
Mum I’m on TV, don’t mention,, umm,,, soft drinks !
MOM ( v.o. )
I don’t care about SOFT drinks, I want the bloody hard stuff !
BRITNEY
Shut up Mom ! You are ruining my good girl image !
MOM
Good girl my ( BLEEP ) ass !
FOXY
Well, looks like insanity sure runs fast in that family.
MONITOR CHANGES TO A PICTURE OF ‘NICOLE RITCHIE’
FOXY
Nicole Ritchie last night sincerely apologized to all overweight
people for having them excluded from her parties. She said she
simply couldn’t afford to invite them anymore as all she serves
is finger food and by the time the beautiful thin people got
hungry the fatties had eaten all the food and were begging for
more which was very disturbing to her and her wafer thin
sexy friends.
NICOLE
Yes Foxy I have nothing against fatties personally, some are very
jolly, it’s just that they eat like pigs and make funny noises and
then smell funny, they are so uncool it isn’t funny.
FOXY
You better be careful about talking about the overweight like that
Nicole, they can get pretty heavy if provoked.
NICOLE
Yes don’t worry Foxy, since I’m thin sexy and healthy I’m a very
fast runner, I can make it from the dinner table to toilet bowl in
4.69 seconds, all in one breath ! Beat that fatties !
FOXY
Wow that’s a very special talent.
NICOLE
Yes I know, I should be in the Olympics.
FOXY
Well that sure would increase the Special Olympic ratings.
NICOLE
Huh ?
FOXY
Sorry, sick gag.
MONITOR TURNS OFF WITH ‘NICOLE’ STILL LOOKING CONFUSED.
FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n
Friends’.
SHOT TO ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘ROSIE O’ DONNELL’ WITH BANDANA AND SWEAT SUIT, ‘LYNDSAY LOHEN’ WITH LOW CUT TOP AND GLASS OF “COKE” IN HAND, AND ‘NICOLE RITCHIE’.
REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a bit of a sassy feminine line up
for ya all,
ROSIE
Excuse me I’m not feminine, I’m very masculine, just ask my
wife.
LYNDSAY
I’m really feminine, my boobies are huge. ( STICKS OUT CHEST
TO AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES AND DOG BARKS )
NICOLE
I’m very feminine, I only weight sixty nine pounds and can’t cook.
ROSIE
What good is a skinny bitch that can’t cook ?
NICOLE
You should try one Rosie, you might be able to lose a few,
HUNDRED pounds . ( HEAR AUDIENCE GROANS )
REDD
Yeouch Nicole, that’s a bit heavy.
ROSIE
Don’t worry Redd, I’m a man I can take it.
‘ROSIE’ GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO ‘NICOLE’ AND PUNCHES HER SO HARD SHE FLIES OUT OF THE SCENE.
ROSIE
See, when it cums to comic putdowns, a heavyweight always kills
a featherweight, hands down !
‘ROSIE’ DOES A HAND STAND, STARTS WABBLING, HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AND CUT AN INCH BEFORE SHE CRUMBLES AND FACE HITS THE GROUND HARD .
FOXY
Rosie O’ Donnell posted another video blog last night telling her fans
she will be entering rehab in a few months to cure her addiction to
medical marijuana which she legally gets from Oregon after spending
a very depressing weekend in Eugene ten years ago. She now blames
Eugene and his kick ass weed for all the silly things she has said about
9/11, the war, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who she described as a very
sexy funny smart woman who should win the next Nobel Peace Prize
and become America’s first female ambassador to Iraq while leading
the New York Giants offense, to Superbowl glory ?
ROSIE
Yes Foxy, Elizabeth is so sexy and smart and man what a bod, I
would pay good money to be able to bang that bitch doggie style
with my ‘Ellen Degenerate Strap On’, she would love it Foxy as I’m
way better than a man if you know what I mean. ( STICKS
TOUNGE OUT PROVOCATIVLY )
FOXY
Well I’ll take your word for it, ( SHUDDERS AT THOUGHT )
But are you serious in your apologizing for all your silly 9/11
and war comments ?
ROSIE
Hell ya Foxy, I’ve come on here just to show me hanging my head
in shame, I hope this position doesn’t make my head look big
does it ?
FOXY
Well yes, it looks bigger than a pregnant beached blue whale.
( SMILES )
ROSIE ( angry )
Hey ! !
MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘LYNDSAY LOHAN’ WITH A GLASS OF “COKE” IN HAND.
FOXY
Lyndsay Lohan celebrated finishing her second rehab last night
by staggering out of a hot Hollywood night club to tell the
waiting paparazzi her second rehab was the hardest few days
of her life but well worth it and a good lesson to all under aged
drinking girls to be way more careful when driving. She also took
the opportunity to announce she has just signed on with Paris
Hilton and Britney Spears to make a new Fox mini series
based on the lives of ‘The Three Stooges’. She said Britney has
already nabbed the role of Curly but her and Paris are still
fighting over the Moe role because nobody wants to play that
dork Larry.
LYNDSAY
Ya Foxy the Larry role sucks big time, and nobody sucks better
than that spoiled nappy head ho Paris, she’s going to go down
very well in jail I tell you, wink wink.
FOXY
Wow, I bet she’s going to be popular prisoner then.
LYNDSAY
Heck ya! she’ll be more popular that a solitary cheap crack
whore at a Duke Lacrosse Team New Years Eve party !
MOM ( voice only )
Britney dear, where did you stash the coke and whiskey darling,
Mama’s bored.
LYNDSAY ( angry )
Mum I’m on TV, don’t mention,, umm,,, soft drinks !
MOM ( v.o. )
I don’t care about SOFT drinks, I want the bloody hard stuff !
BRITNEY
Shut up Mom ! You are ruining my good girl image !
MOM
Good girl my ( BLEEP ) ass !
FOXY
Well, looks like insanity sure runs fast in that family.
MONITOR CHANGES TO A PICTURE OF ‘NICOLE RITCHIE’
FOXY
Nicole Ritchie last night sincerely apologized to all overweight
people for having them excluded from her parties. She said she
simply couldn’t afford to invite them anymore as all she serves
is finger food and by the time the beautiful thin people got
hungry the fatties had eaten all the food and were begging for
more which was very disturbing to her and her wafer thin
sexy friends.
NICOLE
Yes Foxy I have nothing against fatties personally, some are very
jolly, it’s just that they eat like pigs and make funny noises and
then smell funny, they are so uncool it isn’t funny.
FOXY
You better be careful about talking about the overweight like that
Nicole, they can get pretty heavy if provoked.
NICOLE
Yes don’t worry Foxy, since I’m thin sexy and healthy I’m a very
fast runner, I can make it from the dinner table to toilet bowl in
4.69 seconds, all in one breath ! Beat that fatties !
FOXY
Wow that’s a very special talent.
NICOLE
Yes I know, I should be in the Olympics.
FOXY
Well that sure would increase the Special Olympic ratings.
NICOLE
Huh ?
FOXY
Sorry, sick gag.
MONITOR TURNS OFF WITH ‘NICOLE’ STILL LOOKING CONFUSED.
FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n
Friends’.
SHOT TO ‘FOXX N FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘ROSIE O’ DONNELL’ WITH BANDANA AND SWEAT SUIT, ‘LYNDSAY LOHEN’ WITH LOW CUT TOP AND GLASS OF “COKE” IN HAND, AND ‘NICOLE RITCHIE’.
REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a bit of a sassy feminine line up
for ya all,
ROSIE
Excuse me I’m not feminine, I’m very masculine, just ask my
wife.
LYNDSAY
I’m really feminine, my boobies are huge. ( STICKS OUT CHEST
TO AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES AND DOG BARKS )
NICOLE
I’m very feminine, I only weight sixty nine pounds and can’t cook.
ROSIE
What good is a skinny bitch that can’t cook ?
NICOLE
You should try one Rosie, you might be able to lose a few,
HUNDRED pounds . ( HEAR AUDIENCE GROANS )
REDD
Yeouch Nicole, that’s a bit heavy.
ROSIE
Don’t worry Redd, I’m a man I can take it.
‘ROSIE’ GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO ‘NICOLE’ AND PUNCHES HER SO HARD SHE FLIES OUT OF THE SCENE.
ROSIE
See, when it cums to comic putdowns, a heavyweight always kills
a featherweight, hands down !
‘ROSIE’ DOES A HAND STAND, STARTS WABBLING, HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AND CUT AN INCH BEFORE SHE CRUMBLES AND FACE HITS THE GROUND HARD .
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