Not the Fox News Comedy Show 7

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY’ AND MONITOR BESIDE HER HAS ‘MICHAEL VICK’ ON.

FOXY
While jogging in Atlanta last night dog fighting quarterback Michael Vick
was set upon and attacked by a gang of very angry pit bulls. Michael lost
the fight and had to be rushed to the Falcon’s pound with serious groin
injuries where the vets were hopeful they could reattach his naughty bits
as soon as they are found.,,, Ouch Michael that sounded painful.

MICHAEL ( high voice )
Ya it was bloody painful Foxy, I hate those mongrels that did this, they
should be rounded up and fixed up just like me, I hate poor losers!

FOXY
So is there any news about the missing naughty bits?

MICHAEL
Not a bark Foxy, every mongrel dog in Atlanta seems to have gone
underground.

FOXY
Maybe they are hiding in your basement sitting around the poker table
betting on how many dog years you get in the pound.

MICHAEL
Hey! I’m the innocent one here ya know !

HEAR DOG GROWLS, MICHAEL LOOKS FREAKED AND RUNS OFF REVEALING SIGN BEHIND HIM’ FALCON’S DOG HOUSE’.

FOXY
I bet this is going to be one RUFF season for him. ( SMILES )

MONITOR CHANGES TO ‘LYNDSAY LOHAN'.

FOXY
Lyndsay Lohan dropped her innocent act plea for her D.U.I. and drug
charges on ‘Ellen’ last night and now admits the rum and coke found on
her system were planted there by her mother who thought it would make a
great acting publicity stunt. She has now fired her mother as her manager
and publicist and has hired Britney Spears who assured her an insanity
plea will keep her out of the slammer and also advised her to lay low
and quickly become pregnant just like Nicole.,,, Wow Lyndsay, hiring
Britney Spears as your manager and publicist seems a rather strange move.

LYNDSAY
Yes Foxy, if this doesn’t prove I’m completely insane I don’t know what
does. ( LAUGHS CRAZILY )

BRITNEY ( voice only )
Hurry up Lyndsay it’s happy hour time, yippeeeeee. ( HEAR HER RUN OFF )

LYNDSAY
Hey Britney wait for me! Sorry Foxy got to run, it’s um, prayer time,
bye bye.

‘LYNDSAY’ RUNS OFF REVEALING SIGN .

‘PROMISES REHAB’
‘( we promise nothing )’

FOXY
Thank God she’s in good hands now.

MONITOR CHANGES TO BASKETBALL REFEREE ‘TIM DONAGHY’.

FOXY
Disgraced gambling N.B.A. referee Tim Donaghy told a boisterous Las
Vegas Pete Rose Friars Roast last night he has now officially retired
from being a basketball referee and has now signed a long term
contract to become the chief referee and drug tester in World Wrestling
Entertainment. He said he had to promise Vince McMahon he would
never bet on the outcome of matches and would never under any
circumstances give out any inside information to gambling mobsters
or test for steroids. ,, So Tim that’s a surprise change of sport, they
are so different.

TIM
Na not really Foxy, they are both fixed.

MONITOR BLACKS OUT.

TIM ( voice only )
Hey Tony I was just joking, honest, I’ll tell you who wins.

TONY ( voice only )
Ya tell it to the judge pretty boy.

WE HEAR SOME HEAVY PUNCHES AND “OUCHES” FROM ‘TIM’.

FOXY
Whoops, sounds like he’s receiving a technical foul.,,,And that’s today’s
headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n Friends’.

SHOT TO ‘FOXX n FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘ MICHAEL VICK’, ‘LYNDSAY LOHAN’ HOLDING A NOTE AND BIBLE, ‘TIM DONAGHY’ IN REFEREE UNIFORM WITH BLACK EYES.

REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a bit of a hard case panel for ya all,

MICHAEL ( high ‘British’ voice now )
Hey Redd I’m not a hard case, I didn’t force them dogs to fight they
loved it, you could see it in their eyes and I bet they would back me up
right now if they were still alive.

HEAR AUDIENCE BOO’S AND DOG BARKS AND GROWLS, MICHAEL GIVES THEM THE FINGER.

TIM
And I’m sure not a hard case, I’m guilty as hell but who isn’t in the
N.B.A., have you seen those player salaries and sneaker deals, it’s
criminal what they make.

LYNDSAY
Well I’m definitely not a hard case Redd, it’s obvious I’m completely
innocent and I’ve got a note from my mummy to prove it. ( WAVES
NOTE AND LAUGHS CRAZILY )

REDD
Hell I believe ya Lyndsay, just last night I dreamt you were an innocent schoolgirl, mmmmm. ( SMILES )

LYNDSAY
Really, I hope I was good girl Redd.

REDD
Oh ya you were good, you were so good the dream ended in a lesbian
shower jail scene with me as the soap holder, it was the cleanest damn
sex scene I’ve ever been in. ( GRINS )

MICHAEL
Damn Redd, soap holder for a lesbian shower, I would pay big money
for that job.

REDD
It’s no job for a eunuch Michael believe me, I mean what would you use as
a towel holder ? ( GRINS , HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG
BARKS)

TIM
Ouch Redd, that’s a bit below the belt. ( BLOWS WHISTLE ) Three
point technical foul, your shot Michael.

MICHAEL
Hey it’s ok, I just got a transplant and the vet assured me that within
a week Allistair Cooke’s equipment should be working like a teenager,
barring accidents.


HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AND SUDDENLY ‘MONTY’ RUNS ON STAGE AND CUT AN INCH BEFORE HE BITES OFF ‘ALLISTAIR COOK’S’ NAUGHTY BITS.

Not the Fox News Comedy Show 6

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY’ AND BESIDE HER IS A MONITOR WITH ‘POSH SPICE’ ON.

FOXY
The Los Angeles riot squad had to be called out last night to the posh
Beckham palace after an estimated ten thousand gay paparazzi started
bickering over vantage points after Posh phoned in Ryan Seacrest to tell
him that her and David still practiced the quaint old English custom of walking around their home naked at night. Fortunately the crowd dispersed quickly before the riot squad arrived after a fully clothed Tom Cruise’s
wife emerged from the house preaching Scientology.,,, So Posh,are you
surprised how popular you and David are in Los Angeles ?

POSH
No not at all Foxy cause after all I was the leader of the greatest English
girl band in music history, we are like the girl Beatles and I’m like the girl
John Lennon coming to America to spread peace, love, fashion, and a
'Spice Girls' reunion tour.(GIVES PEACE SIGN EXCEPT IT’S THE OBSCENE WRONG WAY)

DAVID ( Mickey Mouse voice only )
Can I go out and play soccer dear ?

POSH ( annoyed )
Ya but put some clothes on, I don’t want people to see you are BUILT
like a mouse too.

DAVID ( v.o. )
Hey I just got out of a cold shower, quit taking the mickey out of me.

POSH
Right go away and play, you are hogging my spotlight,, Minnie.

POSH GETS HIT HARD IN THE HEAD WITH SOCCER BALL AND GETS KNOCKED OUT.

FOXY
Well good to see David still has the balls to put her down.

HEAR A ‘MICKEY MOUSE’ LAUGH. MONITOR CHANGES TO ‘NICOLE RITCHIE’.

FOXY
After a hard weekend partying with Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie announced
last night she has decided to accept a plea bargain for her D.U.I. charge
and will enter jail just before midnight sometime in the next few weeks. She
told Ryan Seacrest it was a great opportunity for more ‘Simple Life’
publicity and a free three week strict rehab for her and her baby, and that
both of them were really looking forward to coming out reborn and drug free,
just like Paris.,,,,So Nicole that’s a brave decision, are you ready for the
slammer?

NICOLE
Yes Foxy I’ll be ready in a few weeks or so, I hear the food is bad so I’m
looking forward to losing a few pounds in there, I hate being a fatty.

FOXY
Nicole you’re not fat, you make a pencil look bloated.

NICOLE
Why thanks Foxy, but last month I gained something like three pounds, I
blame it on my baby as it eats way to much, I’m sick of my baby now I
think I might give it to Madonna, she wants more babies doesn’t she?

FOXY
I think she only wants black ones.

NICOLE
Well that’s ok cause the daddy of mine is black.

FOXY
Wow really do tell, whose the daddy?

NICOLE
Sorry Foxy my lips are sealed until I get hold of him, he refuses to take
my calls now. ( GAGS ) Whoops sorry Foxy I have to go now I have
to be sick, I hate morning sickness and hangovers, they suck. ( GAGS )

‘NICOLE’ RUSHES OFF.

FOXY
I can see she’s going to make one sick mother.

MONITOR CHANGES TO THE TWO YEAR OLD TOT WHO SHOT TO FAME ON HER MOTHERS Utube VIDEO PRETENDING SHE WAS ON ECSTASY.

FOXY
‘Ecstasy Child’ the two year old tot who shot to fame acting like she was
on E on her mom’s Utube video has just been signed to join the cast of
A.B.C.’ S new hilarious Caveman sitcom. Her manager and mother told
‘High Times’ magazine Ecstasy will be playing a hip illegal alien weed
addict who is adopted into the Caveman’s dwelling to stop all the gay
rumours being spread by their Neanderthal neighbors. Production will
start as soon as they both complete rehab and sign a book deal.,,, Wow
Ecstasy are you looking forward to being a big TV star?

ECSTASY
Na not really Foxy but mum sure is, she’s already writing my acceptance
speech for next years best drama actress in a comedy series Emmy, I
thank everyone especially my mum, manager, and Jesus, I got to go now
Foxy I got a bad case of da munchies, mmmmmmm.

WE HEAR HER MOTHER COUGH AND SMOKE BLOWS ON TO ‘ECSTASY’S’ FACE. MONITOR TURNS OFF.

FOXY
Darn, Hollywood actresses grow up way to fast these days.,, And that’s
today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n Friends’.

SHOT TO ‘FOXX n FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘NICOLE RITCHIE’, ‘POSH SPICE’ READING ‘SKINNY BITCH’ BOOK, AND ‘ECSTASY CHILD’.

REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a real skinny celebrity line up for ya all,

NICOLE
Hey I’m not a skinny celebrity Redd, I gained like three pounds last month,
helloooo.

POSH
I may be skinny but my boobs are huge, and yes, they are not real.

‘POSH’ PUSHES CHEST OUT TO AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES AND DOG HOWLS.

ECSTASY
I can’t wait till I can afford a boob job, mum says I’ll be a famous titty
tot just like Posh Spice.

POSH
Bloody hell, kids sure grow up fast in Hollywood.

NICOLE
Heck ya, my baby has been drinking and smoking since it was just a gleam
in Eddie Murphy’s eye,, whoops, sorry Eddie.

POSH
Bloody hell Eddie Murphy sure gets around, he’s the daddy of Sporty
Spice’s baby too.

ECSTASY
Ya he’s my daddy too, but mum can’t get him to take a D.N.A. test.
( GRINS BIG JUST LIKE EDDIE MURPHY )

REDD
Damn I’m going to have to have a word with Eddie, I got enough
grandkids already. ( GRINS BIG JUST LIKE EDDIE MURPHY )

NICOLE’S STOMACH ( Eddie Murphy’s voice )
Help Gramps get me out, I’m starving to bloody death in here!

ALL LOOK AT NICOLE’S STOMACH IN SHOCK. SUDDENLY EDDIE MURPHY STANDS UP GRINNING FROM BEHIND HER CHAIR .

EDDIE
Haha scared ya Dad.

‘REDD’ PRETENDS HE IS HAVING HEART ATTACK, HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AS SUDDENLY ‘MICHAEL VICK’ APPEARS RUNNING THROUGH SCARED.

MICHAEL
HELP HELP call my agent! the press are hounding me to death !

MICHEAL RUNS OUT OF SCENE QUICKLY AND ON RUNS A GROUP OF ANGRY PITBULLS WEARING ‘PRESS’ CAPS CHASING HIM.

REDD
Man, Michael sure is getting a RUFF time lately . ( GRINS )

EDDIE
Ya them news hounds can be vicious. ( FROWNS )

WE HEAR 'MICHAEL' SCREAMING AS THE HOUNDS HAVE CAUGHT HIM AND THEN HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AND CUT JUST AS A DISHELVED LOOKING ‘NICK NOLTE’ WALKS ON CARRYING A SUITCASE.

Not the Fox News Comedy Show 5

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY’ AND BESIDE HER IS A MONITOR WITH A PICTURE OF ‘PARIS HILTON’ IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE.

FOXY
In another exclusive post slammer interview Paris Hilton last night
told Ellen that prison really changed her and now God’s calling told
her she was an American Nelson Mandela and should run for President to
end apartheid and hunger. When Ellen informed her she had to be 35 to
run for President, Paris cursed on her Bible and ran off crying for
Mummy. ,,,, So Paris, now that your Presidential aspirations have
been shattered, what’s next ?

PARIS
Well Foxy, I’ve just signed to become the new Slim Fast model and
end world hunger, Yay for me and hungry people.

FOXY
And dare I ask, how can you end world hunger?

PARIS
It’s easy Foxy, if everyone would get Slim Fast and eat as little as
me we can send all our leftovers to Nelson Mandela to feed to the
starving natives, it’s going to be so cool.

FOXY
Paris, have you been smoking again?

PARIS ( looks guilty )
Ummm,,,, what was the question?

FOXY
Good answer.

PARIS
Thanks Foxy, jail made me smarter ya know, I almost read a hole book.

‘PARIS’ HOLDS UP THE AN OLD HOLEY ‘BIBLE’. MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘HILLARY CLINTON’

FOXY
Hillary Clinton told a large lesbian gathering at Little Rock’s Star
Bucks last night that both her and Bill were firm supporters of gay
rights and are are close personal friends of Ellen, Rosie, and Anne
Heche, who, Bill has been giving saxophone lessons to and according
to him, she is already blowing like an old pro.,,,, So Hillary,
weren’t you worried when Bill told you he was giving Anne Heche sax
lessons?

HILLARY
No not at all Foxy, he assured me that Anne has gone back to being a
lesbian, and, I told him, if I ever catch him cheating again, I’ll
have him neutered. ( HEAR DOG HOWLS ) Be quiet Bill! I was only joking!
( HEAR DOG PANTING) Down boy down! And put your cigar away, it’s
disgusting !

BILL ( voice only )
Yes sir.

SMOKE BLOWS INTO ‘HILLARY’S’ FACE. MONITOR PICTURE CHANGES TO ‘ROSIE O’ DONNELL’ HANGING UPSIDE DOWN DRESSED IN TERRORIST GEAR AND IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE.

FOXY
Dressed in her daughter’s terrorist costume and hanging upside
down on her swing Rosie O’ Donnell posted a new video on her website
last night telling her fans she is now going to form her own political
party and run for president. The party will be called the ‘Crazy Party’
and she’s already recruited Paris Hilton, Anne Heche, Kramer, and the
tiger that bit Roy to run for the party.,,, Wow Rosie that’s big news,
what made you want to run for president?

ROSIE
Well Foxy initially it was a joke but then I thought hey they elected
that crazy idiot Bush TWICE, so now I’m thinking, I’m in with a big
chance to win.

FOXY
And if elected have you got any policies?

ROSIE
Hell ya Foxy I’ve got three of them, first I would rewrite the 9/11
history books to tell the truth and not the conspiracy, secondly I
would immediately win the war and send our troops home and lower gas
prices, and lastly, I will save our health system by legalizing
medical marijuana.

FOXY
And how will medical marijuana save the health system ?

ROSIE
Everyone will be to stoned to realize they really are sick and need
to see a doctor, which means fewer doctors, which will assure us we
won’t go down England’s path and hire terrorist doctors.

FOXY
Ah,, have you been smoking again Rosie?

ROSIE
Hell no ! ( BURPS AND SMOKE COMES OUT OF MOUTH )
Whoops, excuse me,, must have been that hot chili I had for lunch.

FOXY
Yes I thought it sounded like you were full of beans.

ROSIE
Hey bitch!

‘ROSIE’ LETS OUT A JUICY FART AND MONITOR TURNS OFF.

FOXY
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘Foxx n Friends’.

SHOT TO ‘FOXX n FRIENDS’ SET WITH HOST ‘REDD FOXX’ AND SEATED ARE ‘PARIS HILTON’ CLUTCHING BIBLE, ‘HILLARY CLINTON’, AND ‘ROSIE O’ DONNELL’ IN TERRORIST GEAR.

REDD
Thanks Foxy, and today we got a bit of a presidential candidate
debate for ya all,

PARIS
Um actually Redd I’ve dropped out of the president race, I’m just
going to become a Crazy senator first to see how it works.

HILLARY
Excuse me Paris, you need brains and a clean record to become a
Crazy senator.

ROSIE
Or a rich stud muffin of a husband called Bill.

HILLARY GLARES AT ROSIE.

PARIS
And for your info Mrs C., I put out a record just last year and it’s very
clean, I’ve only played it once so na na na na . ( STICKS TONGUE OUT AT HILLARY )

ROSIE
Yup I can see she’s going to make one great debater in the house.

REDD
Ya lets just pray she doesn’t do it in church.

PARIS
How come Redd ?

REDD
Cause they get very cross at Mass debaters. ( GRINS )

HEAR AUDIENCE GROANS AND DOG BARKS AND ‘PARIS’ THROWS BIBLE AT ‘REDD’ AND CUT JUST AS HE DUCKS AND IT FLIES OVER HIS HEAD.