The Yesterday Show 3

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY’ AND BESIDE HER IS MONITOR WITH A SMILING ‘LOCKWOOD SMITH’ ON.

FOXY
National’s Immigration spokesman Lockwood Smith told
Radio Live’s Willie Jackson today that Americans are
much preferred immigrants to Canadians as their brains
were much bigger because they don’t drink as much beer,
smoke as much wacky bacy, and then lie about their
qualifications and get highly paid jobs running Maori TV.
He did say though on the plus side their hands were
pretty normal and most of them were toilet trained so
could be suitable for outdoor work. National Leader John
Key immediately distanced himself from Lockwood’s view
by flying out to his luxurious Hawaiian get away for a
possible meeting and photo op with his American soul
brother and mentor, Barrack Obama’s, sick grandmother.

MONITOR CHANGES TO ‘MAURICE WILLIAMSON’

- National Transport spokesman Maurice Williamson
told a packed Remuera truckers meeting last night not
to fret for when National gets back in they will sell the
Railways back to rich Americans for carbon credits and
cheap oil so there will be cheap petrol for everyone which
will make it a win win situation. When a disgruntled
truckie told him, “trucks run on diesel you twat”, Maurice
was surprised and then said he was just quoting what Bill
English told him at the National Conference. An angry Bill
English then yelled out, “Don’t quote me you stupid twit,
I like to tell fibs”, at which point Maurice profusely
apologized to Bill for misquoting him and then blamed it
on his new medication. Bill then told the crowd he was a
bit tipsy and just joking when he made that fib statement,
then laughed and sculled a pint of bitter followed by a
three diet pill chaser to the cheers of the rich
conservative truckies and drunk TVNZ executives.

MONITOR CHANGES TO A PIC OF ‘RODNEY HIDE’ IN YELLOW SUIT OUTSIDE ‘MT. EDEN PRISON’.

- Rodney Hide had a police complaint made about him
today for lying about not getting free rent from Sir Bob
Jones. Police wouldn’t name the complainant except to
say he was a very well known very respected smart
businessman from Tauranga. When Rodney found out
who the complainant was he was furious telling Radio
Live’s Michael Laws he always thought he and Bob Clarkson
were supposed to be on the same team. He then vowed to
fight the charge with ACT’S team of very expensive free
lawyers and would be proved just as innocent as Winston
Peters, if not even more. Rodney then refused to answer
any of Laws questions saying he was running late for his
next TV appearance, giving ACT’S hard line law and order
speech to the friendly staff and inmates in Mt. Eden Prison.
He did say though he thought Bob Clarkson was a big fat
stupid liar before hanging up in disgust.,, And that’s
today’s headlines and now it’s time for ‘The Yesterday Show’
with the suave and sophisticated Henry Paul. ( SMILES )

SHOT GOES TO CHEAP SET WITH ‘HENRY PAUL’ AND SEATED ARE ‘LOCKWOOD SMITH’, ‘MAURICE WILLIAMSON’ AND ‘RODNEY HIDE’ IN YELLOW SUIT WITH A BLACK EYE AND BRUISES. THERE ARE TWO EMPTY SEATS.

HENRY
Thanks Foxy, and today we have a very special panel of
politicians who make silly statements,

LOCKWOOD
Hey my statement wasn’t silly, Canadians really do have
smaller brains than Americans, It’s the cold weather, I
think it’s called, SHRINKAGE! ( SMILES TO LONE
AUDIENCE DOG BARK )

MAURICE
Well any silly statements I make I totally blame on my new
medication, I’m currently on a very high dosage of Rogain
and Grecian 2000.

HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS. ‘MAURICE’ LOOKS CLUELESS.

RODNEY
Well I shouldn’t even be here because I never make any
silly statements, I’m the leader of ACT, the second greatest
Party in the world and soon to hold the KEY to the future
of our country, AND jails!

HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS. ‘RODNEY’ SCOWLS AT THEM AND IN RUN ‘JOHN KEY’ IN HAWAIIAN SHIRT AND CARRYING A BIG PICTURE OF ‘BARRACK OBAMA’ BEING FOLLOWED BEHIND BY ‘PETER DUNNE’ CARRYING ‘JOHN’S’ THREE SUITCASES.

JOHN
Sorry I’m late boys, getting through Hawaiian customs is
like trying to negotiate with a five headed monster!

‘JOHN’ GRINS TO LONE AUDIENCE DOG BARK AND ‘PETER DUNNE’ LAUGHING LIKE A HYENA. SCREEN TURNS OFF AND SHOT GOES TO ‘SIR BOB JONES’ WITH REMOTE AND ‘SIR ROGER DOUGLAS’. BOTH ARE DRINKING CHAMPANGE AND ‘BOB’ HAS THE CHEQUEBOOK OUT.

BOB
What a joke! We are doomed with these idiots in power!

ROGER
Don’t worry Sir Bob, once I get in I’ll be running the
country again by Easter, I promise you.

BOB
I believe you Sir Rog, so, here’s a cheque for twenty five
grand, AND,, the keys to my penthouse, wink wink.

ROGER
Why thank you Sir,, Sir Bob,, I think I love you.

BOB
Well the feeling is mutual Sir Rog, the feelings mutual.

‘BOB’ AND ‘ROGER’ LOOK AT EACH OTHER ALL STARRY EYED AND ARE JUST ABOUT TO TONGUE KISS WHEN A SIGN FLOPS DOWN WITH VOICE OVER.

VOICE
The preceding was a very cheap political ad written and
produced by Monty Peters for the New Zealand First
Party. Remember kids, if you don’t vote Winston in you’ll
be left with this bad comedy ACT for the next three
headed monster years!,,

HEAR ‘WINSTON’S’ LAUGH AND A FEW DOG BARKS, CUT.

The Yesterday Show 2

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY’ AND BESIDE HER IS A MONITOR WITH A PIC OF ‘BILL ENGLISH’ HOLDING A BIG BOTTLE OF ‘BITTER’ BEER.

FOXY
Labour released another secret Bill English tape last
night, this one with Bill saying if John Key blows the
election he’ll take over leadership again faster than
you can say Don Brash and lead the party to a
resounding victory in 2012 on the promise of change.
Today a hung over Bill English apologized for the
statement saying he was a bit tipsy and just joking
around as everybody knows John Key is the best damn
leader National has had since the heady days of Don
Brash’s predecessor. Bill then vowed to never again
get drunk at National Conferences or in the presence
of John Key or sleazy Labour spies with sleazy hidden
tape recorders.

MONITOR CHANGES TO A PIC OF ‘SIR ROGER DOUGLAS’ HOLDING CHAMPAGNE GLASS.

Sir Roger Douglas closed ACT’S barnstorming South
Island tour last night with a subdued reception at a half
packed Gore Workingmans Club tearoom telling the
enthralled throng not to worry as when he gets elected
Finance Minister again he will immediately solve New
Zealand and the world’s recession with a very cunning
plan of free market gone wild. When an old Pit Bull
from the crowd barked out, “how the hell would that
work”, Roger growled at her and refused to divulge
any details in the fear another party would steal his
cunning plan and sweep to power leaving him and poor
old Rodney outside parliament to sadly watch the
countries moral and financial ruin. The meeting then
came to an abrupt halt when a Greyhound arrived to
take the six old ladies and four dogs back home.

MONITOR CHANGES TO ‘JOHN KEY’ HOLDING CHAMPAGNE GLASS.

John Key told a packed Remuera bar last night that
debating Helen Clark was like trying to talk sense to a
mad Pit Bull with lipstick, no matter what you say she
will just bark over you and attack. MC Bill English said
that was further proof that John was so much like Barack
Obama it was scary as both hate Pit Bulls with lipstick,
are almost the same age, and both will win back power
from the pinko lefties with their promise of change.
When a lone heckler yelled out that unlike John, Obama
was a black “pinko lefty”, a good speaker, and was
actually intelligent, Bill became enraged and smashed
the offenders tape recorder and had Rodney Hide
forcibly remove Michael Cullen from the bar before the
cheering crowd of drunk bankers, lawyers, and TVNZ
executives. ,, And that’s today’s news and now it’s
time for ‘The Yesterday Show’ with the sexy and sassy
Henry Paul. (SMILES)

SHOT TO CHEAP SET WITH ‘HENRY’ AND SEATED ARE ‘JOHN KEY’ DRINKING CHAMPAGNE, ‘SIR ROGER DOUGLAS’ DRINKING CHAMPAGNE AND ‘BILL ENGLISH’ DRINKING A LARGE BOTTLE OF ‘BITTER’ BEER. THERE ARE TWO EMPTY SEATS.

HENRY
Thanks Foxy, and today we have the new co leaders from
our brand new coalition government,

JOHN
Umm actually Henry I’m the leader leader, the other
guys are just kind of co second leaders. ( SMILES )

ROGER
Well I’m in charge of finances so I guess that makes me
second in charge. ( SMILES )

BILL (angry )
Hey no way Roger, I’m the Minister for Racing, AND,
more importantly, The Minister for the Environment,
so I think,, that makes ME number two!

ROGER
Yes Bill, I can smell you from here. ( SMILES )

HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS AS ‘BILL’ SCOWLS AND IN WALTZ ‘WINSTON PETERS’ AND ‘TARIANA TURIA’ HOLDING HANDS AND IN LOVE. ‘WINSTON’ IS WEARING A ‘DEPUTY’ BADGE AND HOLDING CASK OF ‘WINE BOX THUNDER’.

WINSTON
Sorry we are late boys, I have just had to explain to
Tariana about the intimate in and outs of foreign affairs,
wink wink. ( SMUG SMILE )

TARIANA
Yes, did you know, you can see Alaska, Russia, and a
painting of dogs playing poker, from Sarah Palin’s bed ?

WINSTON
Shhh Tariana, I don’t want all my secret affairs cuming
out in public, there are many unscrupulous media hounds
out there who would just kill for the chance of making
dog meat out of poor old Winston. ( SMILES )

HEAR AUDIENCE CHEERS AND DOG BARKS. SCREEN TURNS OFF JUST BEFORE ‘WINSTON’ GETS HIT IN THE HEAD BY A FLYING BOTTLE OF ‘BITTER’ BEER AND SHOT GOES TO ‘RODNEY HIDE’ IN YELLOW SUIT WITH REMOTE AND ‘PITA SHARPLES’. THEY ARE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE.

RODNEY ( angry )
What a bloody farce, Sir Roger promised me foreign
affairs, he even gave me Sarah Palin and Nicky
Watson’s email addresses !

PITA
Ya I got suckered in too, John Key promised me Maori
Affairs and Immigration, I mean, what the hell does
Winston Peters know about Maori affairs and
immigration!

RODNEY ( turning green )
Don’t mention Winston!! I get very angry !!

GLASS BREAKS IN HIS HAND, SUIT STARTS POPPING LIKE THE ‘INCREDIBLE HULK’ AND A SIGN FLOPS DOWN WITH A VOICE OVER.

VOICE
The preceding was a very cheap political ad written and
produced by A. Dog for the Labour Party. Remember kids,
if you don’t vote Labour your left with this bad ACT for
the next three sevenths of a dog year!,,,

HEAR A COUPLE OF DOG BARKS AND CUT.

The Yesterday Show

SHOT OF NEWSREADER ‘FOXY’ AND BESIDE HER IS A MONITOR WITH A PIC OF ‘JOHN KEY’ WITH DONKEY EARS.

FOXY
John Key’s twin brother was arrested last night after
giving Helen Clarke a brown eye at a private Transrail
function. Police have charged 47 year old Trust Manager
Don Key with lewd behavior and for being a bum in a
private function. When Helen was told it was John
Key’s twin brother Don who mooned her, she snickered
then quipped, “It must be a Key family trait to make a
complete ass of themselves,, hee haw, hee haw”. John Key
was unavailable for comment as he is currently overseas
overseeing the renovation of his three million dollar
Hawaiian Donkey Bay bach.

MONITOR CHANGES TO A BLUE PIC OF A SMILING ‘AL GORE’ HOLDING A BIG WAD OF GREENBACK DOLLARS.

- Labour released National’s environmental policy last
night which was just a blue piece of paper with a picture
of Al Gore holding a huge wad of carbon credits. National’s
environmental spokesman Bill English today vehemently denied
it was their policy saying it was just a blue print, and
their real policy will be released as soon as he could
think of a better one.

MONITOR CHANGES TO A PIC OF ‘RODNEY HIDE’IN YELLOW SUIT.

- Winston Peters rang Radio Live’s Michael Laws this
morning to claim he has heard a rumour from a very
unreliable source that even though Rodney Hide wears
yellow suits, dances alone to Broadway tunes, and has
to pay women big time to be seen with him in public, he
was NOT actually gay, it’s just he is so butt ugly and
stupid he even scares away pit bulls with lipstick.
Winston then laughed and hung up prompting Rodney to
ring in to deny Winston’s claims saying just last month
he had lunch with Nicky Watson and he didn’t have to
pay a thing, other than the meal, limo, Champagne, and
a new pair of shoes. When Michael asked him if he got
lucky Rodney refused to confirm or deny but did say
Nicky said he was untold smarter than Eric Watson
and would do a real cool job at running the country,
just before she passed out after an unfortunate allergic
reaction to a certain brand of French Champagne.,,
And that’s today’s headlines and now it’s time for
‘The Yesterday Show’ with Henry Paul. ( SMILES )

SHOT TO SET WITH ‘HENRY PAUL’ AND SEATED ARE ‘JOHN KEY’ WEARING HAWAIIAN SHIRT, ‘BILL ENGLISH’, AND ‘RODNEY HIDE’ WEARING YELLOW SUIT, THERE IS ONE EMPTY SEAT.

HENRY
Thanks Foxy, and today being International Canine Day
we have got a very special panel of political dogs for you,

JOHN
Hey excuse me Henry, I’m not a political dog, I’m the
next Prime Minister of Hawaii,, oops, I mean, New
Zealand. ( SMILES )

HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS, ‘JOHN’ LOOKS CLUELESS.

BILL
Well I’m sure not a political dog, I used to be almost
Prime Minister and the leader of the National Party,
the greatest party in the world !

HEAR AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND DOG BARKS, ANGRY ‘BILL’ GROWLS AT THEM, THEY SHUT UP FAST.

RODNEY
Well I’m not a dog, I’m leader of ACT, the second
greatest party in the world, AND, I just had a very
intimate date with Nicky Watson that didn’t cost
one taxpayer’s dime, and yes,, I did get lucky!
( WINKS AND SMILES TO AUDIENCE )

HEAR AUDIENCE “MMMMM’S” AND DOG PANTING AT THE THOUGHT OF GETTING LUCKY WITH ‘NICKY’. IN RUNS ‘WINSTON PETERS’ WITH LIPSTICK MARKS ON COLLAR AND ONE BRIGHT RED CHEEK.

WINSTON
Sorry I’m late boys, I got attacked by some pit bull
with lipstick on heat, she wanted to pound me but
luckily I escaped with just a bitch slap. ( SMILES )

HEAR HUGE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERS AND DOG BARKS. SCREEN TURNS OFF AND SHOT GOES TO ‘SIR ROGER DOUGLAS’ WITH REMOTE AND ‘OWEN GLENN’ WITH CHEQUEBOOK, BOTH ARE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE.

ROGER
See Owen, with idiots like that in charge I will be
running this country again by Christmas, I promise
you!

OWEN
Sounds great Sir Roger, so, who do I make the cheque
out to?

ROGER
Ah, better make it out to cash, actually,, if you put
another zero on there not only will I give you the Monaco
Consul but I’ll throw in a Knighthood, which, will entitle
you to some very JUICY foreign affairs, wink wink.

OWEN
Really,, can you get me Nicky Watson ?

ROGER
Yes of coarse,, Hell, I’ll even throw in Sarah Palin!

OWEN ( excited )
Deal !!

BOTH SMILE AND CLICK CHAMPAGNE GLASSES. SIGN PLOPS DOWN WITH VOICE OVER.

VOICE
The preceding was a very cheap political ad written and
produced by Don Key for the Green Party. Remember
kids, a vote for Green can finally rid New Zealand of
that stupid ass dirty garbage ACT!,,

HEAR DONKEY “ HEE HAWS” AND THEN AN ANGRY DOG BARK, CUT.